Have Wheels, Will Travel

I was thinking about the fact that Tonya lent me her car for over a week. Not to sound selfish, but I could never lend someone my only mode of transportation for that long without having a nervous breakdown. Even if I have nowhere to go I have always needed to know that my car was close and available whenever I might need it. I have done quite a bit of thought about this over the years. You see I have always liked to psychoanalyze myself.

So this is my analysis:

#1 It is because I never had a driver's license or a car until I was 27. Hard to believe, right? After all, I wasn't born in the dark ages. Yes, I had a Learner's Permit when I was 15 and I took Driver's Ed in school. My mom let me drive once (yes, just once) in the shopping center parking lot when the store was closed and there were no cars in the parking lot. She saw no reason for me to drive since I wouldn't be driving her car and I would have to wait until I had a job and bought my own car and insurance. I did work but my meager income went for clothes and school. My mom never had a driver's license until she was in her 40's. My dad would have been okay with using his car (only when necessary), but mom had the last say on the kids. At seventeen I left home. I did drive a friend part way back from the Midwest to Maryland once when I was barely 18. She said I made her nervous because I drove too close to the right. Yes, I have heard that since then also. I also turn corners too fast.

#2 When I was in my mid 20's my father-in-law wanted to take me driving because he thought I should have my license. Husband #1 thought that was ridiculous because he was the one with the car and what would I have to drive and why would I need to drive. He felt it worked out well the way I packed my two kids up in the one kid stroller with the laundry and the groceries. What in the world did I need to drive for. I walked the kids to school each morning and walked to work then walked home from work and walked to pick the kids up at daycare. What would a woman need a car for?

#3 Husband #2 was very supportive of me driving. I was petrified and wanted some practice but he wouldn't hear it. I couldn't drive a stick so he got me the driving book to study and had my sister-in-law pick me up and take me to the DMV for the test. I took my first test in a Pacer. I figured that alone would get me flunked. The poor man who tested me said I needed some practice. He could tell I didn't have much experience behind the wheel. Hell, I hadn't been behind the wheel in nine years. I think I did pretty good considering. Can you believe he passed me? Either I caught him on a good day or he was afraid I would come back and it would be his luck to have to ride with me again.

I finally had a driver's license and I had $100.00 dollars. I carried myself, with my new found independence, to the local car lot. You should have seen the salesman's face when I asked if he had anything for $100.00. It was a Kodak moment. I was embarrassed but more determined than ever. He said "lady, I got three cars over there (way out in the corner hidden) and they've been sitting there for years. If you can get one of them started you can have it for $200.00". I went home and for the first time in my life I asked my father for a loan. This was very difficult for me, but I knew I needed a car. He didn't give me a loan but he did give me $100.00. Four days later I was back at that car lot and became the proud owner of a 1960 something Dodge Dart and was light blue. It wasn't the one with fins or the classic 2 door. It must have been 1964 or earlier though because it had the push button transmission. This was 1978 but you would have thought it was a new Mercedes. I was so proud of that car. I would get very upset when people would make their snide remarks. It was almost like a child that I had to protect and defend.

So from that moment on I felt I needed my car to really feel independent. When I was married and we went somewhere, I always liked to take my own car. It was mainly because if it got late or the party got out of hand I wanted to be able to take my kids home. I was not

comfortable with being somewhere and not having my own transportation. I never wanted to have to beg for a ride or have to wait for a drunken husband to listen to reason. Kids are tired and momma's tired (or disgusted or fed up), I'm going home. Good night all.

Blame the Camera

I wanted to add one more Grand Canyon picture. I imagine that Tonya and Jessica have much better photos. I have always said I take terrible pictures but I love taking them. We have quite a collection of photos from when the kids were young that have only half the head. It's a huge family joke. I am truly photographically impaired or challenged or whatever. I wanted to say photogenically challenged but of course neither of these are words but, if they where, both would be true.

Yes, I know. It truly is me, not the camera.

New Abode

On Wednesday Steve, Tonya and I started moving stuff into the house. My friend Rosemary's son, Joey helped also. Steve is doing lots of work on the house and Tonya and I are going through her "Shabby Chic" storage. Steve calls it "Chubby Chick". Do you think that has underlying meaning? So we cleared out all the staging furniture that Steve and Tonya had in the garage and I now have a furnished house. By now I am getting very excited. Very little cleaning was needed as everything is brand new or close to it. Tonya and Steve have done wonders with this house. It is fresh and lovely and updated. The yard needs some work but there will be plenty of time for that. I am still surprised at the generosity of strangers (well, strangers to me). Tonya and Steve have friends who donated a stove, microwave and refrigerator. I am so appreciative and the items all are in great shape. Anything I ever had "extra" or stored in the garage was usually on it's last leg. These appliances were "slightly used". I feel very blessed.

Serenity and Jessica will be here on Saturday. We are very excited to see Serenity's reaction when she sees the house. She saw it in June when we were in Arizona, actually we both saw it for the first time together. When she first walked in she said "this place is a dump". Aunt Tonya told her it just needed lots of work and Serenity said "it's going to take a whole lot of work". Serenity is much more demonstrative then her grandma. Grandma is generally hard pressed to show much emotion, good or bad. Tonya says it's a family thing. We learned years ago to not get excited about anything until it actually happened, because there was always the chance that it wouldn't happen. Many times this was a distinct possibility and more often than not it was the end result. Example: the playhouse/clubhouse my kids never got. I think this was something I learned in my childhood and I must have passed it on to my children. What a terrible heritage. I know all this sounds very negative but it is actually just realistic. This way, if it doesn't happen, the let down is much less harsh.

When I spoke to Serenity on the phone, I asked if she remembered the house. "I don't know," she said, "but did you get a new brick put in?" Of all the things for her to remember. You'd think it would be one of the holes, in the wall, or the ceiling, or the middle of the living room floor, but no, it was the brick. There was a brick that had come out by the front door and it was sitting on the ledge of the brick trim. She wanted to know if I got a new brick for it.

This morning we pick Jessica and Serenity up from the airport. I can hardly wait. There's never a dull moment when "Miss Serenity" is around. She keeps grandma on her toes.

Computer Jonesing

Can we talk about computers and the cost of staying connected? This could very well be a "soap box" moment so you might want to run, while you have the chance, otherwise take a deep breathe and get ready for the rantings.

Two years ago, for Christmas, Dale bought me a laptop computer. I was so surprised and excited I was actually shocked that this material item made me so happy. Several weeks later we were at WalMart and Dale purchased the extended warranty they offered. I never, and I mean never, buy extended warranties. I've never had a computer that didn't last ten years. This is where I say, "Thank goodness he did". I didn't have the internet at home so that new and shiny laptop set around for six or eight months and was turned on once. I had my old desk top computer that I used for Chamber of Commerce and personal stuff. I could write letters, do reports and make flyers. I have worked with computers since 1980 but I worked with balance sheets, profit and loss, budget and expense reports, inventory, payroll and all that mundane stuff. My world knew spreadsheets, ledgers, and the such. It was a world of analysis, projections, facts and yes, even a little fiction.

When I was unable to work I made a really huge decision and got the internet at home. I was about to learn the true meaning of addiction. That USB cable could have been my umbilical cord. My computer got turned on the minute I got up and didn't get shut off until I was ready to go to bed. I had been using email for sometime and Tonya even had to set that up for me. Now I was learning the world of myspace, facebook, Google, You Tube and all the other good stuff (with Tonya's help). I could do research, take a peek into other peoples lives, learn a new recipe, spend my money on eBay, play solitaire and much more without even leaving the spot I was planted in.

This past Christmas, Christmas evening to be exact, Serenity was watching a Scooby Doo DVD and the sound went out on the computer. I absolutely tried everything I could think of to fix the problem. It was obvious this was something I had no knowledge of. I pulled out the papers with the warranty information and several days later I made the phone call for technical rescue. This was on December 28th. They had me backup to a prior date (date before the problem) and this didn't work. They had me uninstall and reinstall this and that. I went to places I didn't know existed. After the third call they decided I needed to totally deleted everything on my computer and do a restore. This was very scary, knowing I was going to lose everything and hoping I could get everything back. First I had to go buy an external back up drive. Now I had to call back and get help saving the info I was going to lose. This included all my music, Outlook info, documents, pictures and all the other goodies I had put on my computer. Now I had to load the recovery disc that came with the computer. First disc, all is well, second disc, a problem. Unable to read-bad disc. Back on the phone and the person tells me I'll have to call Toshiba and get a new recovery disc. He'll give me the phone number. You mean I'm not talking to Toshiba? Okay, call Toshiba. There's a problem. My warranty expired over a year ago. In November to be exact. I argue with them that the computer wasn't even purchased until December, the week before Christmas and I did buy the extended warranty. The warranty wasn't through them. I should have purchased it from Toshiba. I thought I was purchasing it through Toshiba. WalMart sold the unit, I thought they were selling the warranty for them also. How was I to know. It wasn't like the person at WalMart said buy this warranty but it's through us not Toshiba. I can buy the restore disc for $26.95. Now it's a matter of principal. Why should I have to pay when they provided me with a defective disc? Are there scratches on the disc? Maybe I didn't store it properly and the extreme heat or cold damaged it. Give me a break. At this point the only thing damaged here is my brain and that has nothing to do with heat or cold. I think they should replace it free of charge. Only a supervisor can approve that. Okay, so give me a phone number that I call for a week and it rings and after being on hold 2.5 minutes I get a message that says they are unable to complete my call. This is their idea of good customer service. They don't want you to be on hold for too long. Back to the original Toshiba phone number. This call is not as friendly as the previous calls. I want to talk to a supervisor and I don't want to be disconnected. Of course, he has a number that won't go to the automated system but I may have to hold for awhile. I'll be glad to hold for three hours if necessary. Sure enough, not 1.5 minutes later I'm on the phone with a supervisor. Up until now everyone I have dealt with has been pleasant and as helpful as they possibly can. I'm talking to this woman who lets me know that there is no way I'm getting a new disc for free. I have no choice but to pay for it. After all I have a blank computer. I could just picture this woman, looking up and to the right, rolling her eyes and tapping her fingers on the desk. She could care less about my "matter of principal". For once I wasn't my usual courteous and polite self. Without use of too much profanity I told her what I thought of the whole thing and gave her my credit card number. The four to seven day delivery time wait (I refused to pay the extra for overnight) was over when I received my disc 10 days later. Thank goodness I had them send it to Arizona. So I restore the system and still no sound. I backup everything I was told to save. All the Outlook info is gone and my iTunes were finally found in some hidden hole. By now it's almost the end of January. I have to send my computer into MicroMedicsInc. which is part of WalMart. I'll be without it for no more than 10 days (including the 2 day air shipping). I shipped the computer to them on January 30 and I just got it back yesterday, March 3rd. The longest 10 days in my life. I wasn't without a computer all this time. I have been using Steve's kids computer that they use when they are here. If I had spent that much time without my "fix" I would be in a straight jacket today. The sound is back on my computer. The button for sound is stiff and not smooth. Hopefully that won't be another issue. Well, my consolation is I have an extended warranty until the end of the year. LOL My blackberry pearl isn't uploading info but that's just a matter of figuring it out and I'm sure the iTunes can be recovered. My pictures all seem to be intact. I no longer have Publisher because I had that courtesy of the Chamber.

Caveat: buy your warranty from the manufacturer.

Outcome: I have made my first step to recovery by admitting I have a problem! Well, isn't that how it works? Now I need the other 11 steps.

Food For Thought

This morning I was on Facebook and made a comment regarding the health care system. My friend Willma has a granddaughter who has had multiple surgeries the last few weeks. She is waiting for another one on Friday. This surgery had been scheduled previously but had to be delayed due to insurance approval or something. There were several comments about the workings of our health care system. I wrote that I felt like it is often a matter of "crossing our fingers and saying our prayers". Really, I should have added that "sometimes it's a matter of bending over and kissing our asses goodbye".

I have been very lucky. I was lucky to have health insurance when I needed it this time. That first year I was covered I had a pre-existing conditions clause. I was lucky that the first two appointments I made with my doctor for my annual checkup had to be cancelled due to not being able to get off work. When I finally got in it was a week after the year was up. Of course it took another 6 weeks before they actually diagnosed me. If I had gotten in six months earlier it may not have changed the diagnosis but I wouldn't have been covered.

Of course having coverage isn't the only issue. You still have to come up with co-pays and annual deductibles and all that stuff. All of this applies to in-patient, out-patient and prescription coverage and in network and out of network. It can take a heavy toll mentally and financially. If you're sick enough to not be able to work, whether it is temporary or permanent, you better be ready for those monthly Cobra Insurance payments. God forbid you can't make that payment each month. Sure, you may have no income coming in or maybe you're getting a percentage of your income and now you have the same bills as before and the full cost of your health insurance. You bought the extra disability insurance not realizing it isn't on top of Social Security. It works in conjunction with...the good thing though is they might help you get on Social Security sooner. At first you think it's because they are looking out for your best interest and then you are informed it's because they will deduct the amount of your Social Security check from the amount of your benefit from them. It's all good though. You have to be positive and realize you could be getting 60% of your previous income instead of 65%.

God forbid you are too sick to administer your own benefits. You need to be at least familiar with your benefits and coverage. Be on your toes so deadlines are met. You will need to make a lot of decisions. Thank God I was able to do all this and no issues came up when I was so sick I couldn't deal with them. Thank God also for Tonya who gave me suggestions on checking things out and who to call. We all know that Cobra offers 18 months of coverage if you lose your job for any reason. God must have been watching over me the day I was speaking to Cobra and for some reason mentioned I was on disability. They had no record of that from my employer and thank goodness the rep on the phone informed me that I would be eligible for additional months of coverage. I had worried endlessly about what I would do when the 18 months was up and I would be uninsurable. Thank goodness Cobra had never sent me the election letter so the time limit didn't apply. Mostly, thank goodness the young lady on the phone was honest and didn't try to tell me they sent this document which I knew I had never seen. I had to fight for it but I finally qualified. Thank goodness my former employer was cooperative. There was only one benefit I was denied and after several appeals they finally approved it (well, they approved after I made a third appeal directly to the labor board).

I just had a thought about why of all the places I have been for treatment, my favorite place to go is the St. Francis Oncology Center in Grand Island, Nebraska. I thought it was because the treatment rooms are larger and more private and the nursing staff is so pleasant. I think the actual reason is because it is the only place I go where the first thing they don't do is make sure they have that co-pay up front. What if I didn't have my $40.00 that day and I needed to wait for my monthly check. They always bill me. At the other places you're pretty sure they might not see you if they don't get that money upfront. Just the way they say "I need your co-pay now" makes me feel like they think I'm a deadbeat. Hell, I just signed in, give me enough time to pull out my checkbook. I know I have to give it to you. I should just start having the check in my hand when I walk in the door and hand it over before I sign in. If you didn't have the money you would have to discuss it with a receptionist in front of a waiting room full of people. As if your privacy hasn't already been invaded enough.

My main thought about health care is what it covers. Isn't it strange that they will pay someone to fry you with radiation and pay someone to poison you with chemo but they won't pay for all the other stuff that you may need to help you get better or even to live more comfortably with your disease. Massage therapy for neuropathy, nutrition training for eating healthier (or handling your chemo treatments better), hydro colon therapy for digestive health etc. etc. So my insurance has no problem paying over $5000.00 per chemo treatment but won't pay for my $75.00 massage. Oh hell. They probably think I'm sitting at a spa living the high life.

Life is all about perspective. You know is the glass half empty or half full. I may have cancer but how lucky have I been? I know that I could still lose my house if I were to require long term nursing home care etc. but I am counting my blessings every day. As usual, this blog is all about me...me...me but my heart goes out to all those people without health care and the means to pay for health services and those people with health insurance who can still stand to lose everything they have worked their whole lives for. I have been there and it's a very scary "black hole" to be in. I am not advocating universal health care or handouts from the government. I have made it my rule in life to never argue about politics or religion. I just feel that people deserve the basic necessities in life. I am no "bleeding heart" liberal but I would like to think that I have compassion for my fellow man. I don't know what the answers are for reform but, isn't that what the "experts" get paid for, to know the answers or to find the answers? Even if reform isn't the answer maybe some accountability from insurance companies and pharmaceutical companies would make a big difference in cost to the consumer. The health care industry had unbelievable profits this year but rates keep going up because of the "cost" of health care. Oh, or was that because of the "cost" to produce those profits. Have we all forgotten the $5.00 a gallon gas prices that were supposedly due to the cost of obtaining the fuel then the gas companies reported record profits? Do these people think all Americans are ignorant or just too passive to speak up? Okay, I'm off the soap box. Obviously, that was one of those "don't get me started" things! Blessings to everyone (regardless of your health insurance coverage status or position).

Taking Care of Business

Today I attended two real estate classes. I had been thinking my license expires in July so I need to get my renewal hours in. I need eight, three hour classes. I took a class online in December and took three online classes last week. Tonya found some free classes so I took advantage of that today. So, I'm sitting in class and it occurs to me that my license doesn't expire until July 31, 2011. As Tonya says, I'll just be ahead.

The reason I was writing about this is I remembered that a friend asked me months ago why I was renewing my license still. I said, because it wasn't exactly easy to get in the first place and there is no way I could possibly ever pass the state exam now. I also always planned on using it when I became a "snowbird". This actually wasn't the usual question I have had over the years about why I kept an Arizona license. This question actually related to the fact that I have "terminal" cancer. The answer actually is this. If I truly believe that I can lick this thing, I need to live as if I believe it. That means I need to continue taking care of business and live as I would if I didn't have cancer in the first place. You can call it denial or you can think the way I do. It's positive attitude, the law of attraction, visualization and many other things important to my recovery. It's all a balancing act and one day I hope to be good enough at it to join the circus!

My Guardian Angel

I was thinking how fast time goes. February made this fact even more apparent. I didn't even realize it was the end of the month. When I was 15 I'll never forget saying I couldn't wait until I was 16. I don't remember why but it was the magic age. I'm sure it must have had something to do with driving, you know permit in hand and all (little did I know I would be 27 before I ever had a driver's license. Who would have thought?

The point is my mom would say you are just wishing your life away. I asked her what that meant but she would say "Some day you'll understand". At about forty I was starting to understand and by 50 I totally knew what she was talking about. She was a wise woman. Too bad, like most kids, I didn't really appreciate her wisdom until too late.

Thanks mom for all the lessons. I have learned to value them and have a better appreciation of you. Even in all the difficult times I realized you were the mother who chose me, not the one who had no choice. I love you and know you are an angel watching over me.

Is Sushi Sushi Without Fish?

Today I attended my second raw vegan cooking class. On the menu was Vegsushi and Coconut Thai Soup. The soup was my favorite (not) color, green and I really couldn't taste any coconut but it was good. The sushi was a lot of fun. I can see why Chef Sara recommends this for parties. You can put out all the different vegetables and the nut pate on the table, buffet style, and let each person design their own sushi. It was exciting trying to learn to roll the sushi. I can see this will take a little practice to make them perfect. They can't be too tight or the ingredients push out the sides and if they're too loose they won't stay together. Don't ask me how, but with my usual inept ability, I was able to accomplish both at the same time. The shiny side of the Nori (seaweed wrap) goes down on the bamboo thingy. I swear, up close, the side that was suppose to go up looked like the shiniest side to me. Who would have thought that a dab of water is what holds them together. The class was small so there was better one on one and we each got our chance to roll the sushi. Since it was a small class there was also plenty of food to go around. Even though there was no fish in the Vegsushi, I swear I tasted and smelled fish. Does seaweed smell and taste of fish?

Chef Sara's assistant is Janelle. She is doing an internship with her through ASU. Bet you can't guess what her major is.

Terra didn't show for this class and I missed her thought provoking questions and insight. Hopefully she will attend the next class on Pizza and Deserts. Now that's some food I think I'll be able to sink my teeth into.

Question to Self - Self, Why Do You Blog?

When I first started this blog I intended to write about all the things I was learning. When I was first diagnosed with a "terminal" illness I assumed the doctors were telling me everything I needed to know. Like most of us, I had blind trust. After all, we have all heard of the Hippocratic Oath. As time went by I was astonished how much information "they" didn't share with me and how much I had to learn on my own. Very quickly it became overwhelming. Even for someone with above average intelligence it was mind boggling. Of course the chemo treatments didn't help the search any. I would read something and 10 minutes later couldn't remember what I read or where I read it. I would have a vague memory of the general content but I wanted facts. I wanted facts set in stone and there really weren't any. When I started chemo they sent me home with a huge packet of stuff to read. From the onset I was ill enough I couldn't sit and read much of anything. I glanced through the packets but at that point nothing really meant anything to me. I wrote in an earlier blog about the problem I had with vomiting. These papers advised that ice cream was a good thing and that I would be able to it hold down. The chemo caused so much mucous that I would vomit from the time I woke up until I went to sleep. At that point the ice cream was the only thing I could even get down. Nothing stayed down. I began to realize I was on my own when the doctors told me they had no idea why I was so sick. They gave me lots of pills to help with the vomiting but guess what....they wouldn't stay down either. I finally came to my senses and realized the ice cream was causing more mucous and was compounding the problem. I think the idea of the ice cream is really just to keep your weight up. It was probably the last thing I should be eating. Wake up Liz. I ended up eating nothing for weeks at a time.

After chemo, when I was able to sit up again, for any length of time, I began my all day searches on the Internet and by reading books. For everything I read that said this is the answer there was something else that said this isn't proven. There are no case studies-no FDA approval-"no crap"! What made me think of all this today was I came across something yesterday that said hydro colon therapy has never been proven to be a benefit for anything. That was the first time I ever saw anything against this treatment. Well, that is as a treatment not as a "hobby". I was shocked. All I know is it definitely helps me.

I came to realize the doctor couldn't possibly provide you with all the information there is on any disease. There is too much out there and when it comes to cancer even the conventional treatments are trial and error and a huge guessing game. We are all guinea pigs in their labs. I can't count on one hand how many times I heard "We'll try this and see what happens".

So I ended up feeling that I couldn't write about the things I couldn't be an expert on. I can only write about me. So everyday I start a blog with the date. If I think of something that day that I feel compelled to say then I finish the blog. If nothing is really "on my mind" I don't write and I cancel what I started. Some days I wake up with something I really want to say and two hours later I can't remember what that exciting idea was. My blog has just become about me, my thoughts, my memories, my daily life. Not many people read it, which is okay, because really it is for me. Some family and friends will enjoy an occasional post and that makes me extremely happy.

We all have a terminal disease and it is called life. The closer we get to the end of it the more we realize how precious each day is. This is true of the healthy also. You don't have to be terminal to realize your days are numbered. Each day is precious so each day I write on this blog was a special day. Nothing earth shaking or life saving or world changing, just another special day for me. Each day I get up is another special day and each evening I thank God for giving me that special day.

Wishing for each of you, everyday, a "special day"!

Blessing, Liz

Snaps of Memories

Well, here I am in the middle of my next project. I have decided that after 30 years I really need to organize my pictures. I actually went online to http://www.about.com/ to get some ideas how to tackle this project. They had excellent suggestions that I am putting to use. I had already done a cursory once through and divided immediate family, my parents photos, friends, and events. It is really hard to split some of these since so many overlap. When I got done with this I decided to start putting them into albums. The problem is standard photo albums usually have spaces for up to 4x6. I have some larger photos that I want to keep. I decided that I would need to use a scrapbook for these pictures. Most of the larger photos of course are immediate family. I know this will come as a surprise but, I decided to start with Serenity's photos. This could be because I miss her so much that spending time with her photos helps fill the void. Serenity does not care to talk on the phone so I don't even get to talk to her often (the little poop).

Going through the photos the second time, I realized I really only had about a years worth of photos of the little princess. I was remembering all the other photos I have taken and wondered where they were. The light came on....the digital age hit me when Serenity was two and I have most of those photos on my computer. Can you imagine what those would cost to develop? I think copying to a CD and adding that to the album (scrapbook) would be the best way to go.

I have never scrapbooked. I decided, when it became the rage, that I was not going to get anywhere near it. Anyone who knows me knows I have a tenancy to be very compulsive. I knew if I started there would be no end. The worse part is it would go on forever and I would never complete it. If you ever saw my fabric collection you would know what I mean (Of course fabric is an addiction all it's own-ask anyone who sews). So here I sit with this scrapbook for photos and all I can think of is all the cute things I could do with it. God help us all! Do you think the 12 step program would be a good place to start?

I like to do several projects at one time so I will do the photos along with the next rag quilt for my son. I don't like to do any one thing for too long. Thank goodness I always seemed to have jobs with alot of variety so I didn't get too bored...the perfect ones were the ones that included some time outside. It all comes from the gypsy side of me.

When I was going through Serenity's photos I remembered something she said to me when I was home for Christmas. To really appreciate it you have to know how serious and expressive she is. The words don't sound the same without her expressions. I took her Christmas shopping the weekend before Christmas. We're in the store and out of the blue she said "Well Grandma, what would you rather do? Go back to Arizona and get better and better or stay here with me?" It seemed like more of a statement than a question. Of course I had to explain that if I get "better and better" I'll be around alot longer to spend time with her. This of course is my goal.

Once I read a needlepoint that said:

"I never knew how much my heart could hold until someone called me Grandma"

When that time came for me I finally, truly knew what that meant.

Serenity Jade March 2009. Photo by cousin Jenifer. Check it out: http://www.jenrutherford.com/.

Back to pictures......Blessings to all!

Ode to a Birthday-or-A Birthday By Any Other Name

This post was never published and I was going to delete it and on second thought I decided to go ahead and post it.

January 18th use to be my birthday. This was true until shortly before my 16th birthday. Now of course it is on September 18th. How, might you ask, could this have ever happened? My dad's insurance agent convinced him that he should buy a small insurance policy on my brother and myself. In order to issue the policy, Social Security numbers needed to be listed. My parents applied for birth certificates for my brother and myself in order to obtain Social Security cards. Not long after that my parents were informed that there was no Elizabeth Luongo born on January 18th. My birthday was September 18th. Both of my adoptive parents swear that my mother told them in a meeting that my birthdate of January 18, 1951. They wrote it down and gave it to their attorney. So that year I missed a birthday and had to wait an extra nine months for my "sweet sixteen" birthday. There was an up side of course. Since I was adopted in March that was when I started school. Six and a half and just starting the first grade (now remember, they thought I was seven). I had to repeat that first year since I went less than three months. I turned 7 that next year just several weeks after school started ( remember again that they thought I was was 7 but in January I would be eight-9 months older. I actually should have started school at 5 and would have graduated at 17. Obviously the mix up made me almost a year younger. This made me not quite as far behind in school and that made it a little easier mentally.

The strange thing that I have never figured out is this. My real mother swears I went to school. I vividly remember that I didn't go to school and I wanted to so bad I would cry to go with my older brother. I remember going one time and I was sent home because I didn't have shoes. If I had gone to school, wouldn't there have been records? Someone would have known about the mix up. If I had gone to school why would I have started in the first grade and why would I have repeated that grade (obviously several times). If I had ever gone to school wouldn't I have known my age and even known my name? Also, if they thought my birthday was in January, that would have made me 7 when I was adopted. My parents thought I was seven. In 2009 I finally met my Aunt Irene. Imagine my shock when I was listening to my Aunt Irene talking about how I was 7 when I was adopted. She is positive I was 7. She says that I absolutely was not 6. If my birthday was in September, in March of 1958, I would have been 6, well 6 1/2. If my birthday was in January, then in March of 1958, I would have been 7. Are you confused yet? Well I am, so it's time to leave that one in the closet with the rest of the family skeltons....

To scan or not to scan, that is the question

Today I was thinking about how confusing life can be. The more I read the more I research, the more confused I become. I have a PT scan scheduled for Tuesday and while I feel like I don't want to put more "poison" in my body I am truly curious to see the results. There are those people who advice to only use natural treatments and those who advice to use the conventional treatments and lately I've been exposed to those who believe in using both natural and conventional treatments in harmony. Just when I think I have all the answers I'm back at square one. You know, that fork in the road. Sometimes this is okay but at other times I don't know if I trust myself to make the right turn. For someone pretty head-strong and set in her ways I seem to waver more and more. This couldn't have anything to do with all the "right" choices I've made throughout my life could it?

I am putting my trust in Jesus. If I wasn't meant to still be here I wouldn't be. There must be a plan for me. When it's time for me to be gone, I'll be gone. I have worked really hard on being ready for this. In the meantime I am wanting to make the most of the time I have left. Many days I feel guilty that I am wasting precious time. This time God has given me is valuable and I need to be using it wisely. I'll keep working on that also. As far as the other choices go, I know only I can make those decisions and I have to trust that I am following God's will.

Busy Bee

The wedding is over. It turned out very beautifully. I had another birthday and I'm still here. It was a great birthday. Many wishes from people who hadn't remembered my birthday in years. Tonya and family sent me beautiful flowers and clothes and Etta and family sent me a wonderful book to record memories for my children. I was very touched. Rosemary called with best wishes. Dales'a birthday was the day after mine and Serenity insisted that he needed a cake. I forgot that I threw away all the candles when I first started clearing things out. I never dreamed then that I would be here for another birthday and there have been many celebrations since that day. The Lord has blessed me. I am very thankful.

Now I need to get on the ball and get ready for the Junk Jaunt. I have four days to do what I planned on doing all month. Wish me luck. A few years ago this wouldn't be anything to stress about and I always worked well under pressure. Boy are those days gone. I'll be busy now until next week. I'll let you know how it goes.

As soon as the Junk Jaunt is over I need to prepare for my winter in Arizona. I am very excited to see what the house there looks like. Steve and Tonya have been working very hard on it.
Love and prayers to all.

Urology or Bust!

After weeks of extreme pain I went to the urologist today. My tumor is invading my bladder and it needs to be cut down as far as possible to prevent blood clots. I asked if this would reduce the pressure and pain and was told it wouldn't. It seems to me this would give me some relief. I'll cross my fingers.

Patience or Tolerance

The barium experience was much easier this time. After my second CAT scan a nurse gave me a good hint. I was told to drink the barium with a straw. Using a straw sends it to the back of the throat when you swallow. It doesn't sit on your tongue and coat your whole mouth. It really made it much easier. Too bad no one told me prior to the first two tests. It would have saved a lot of puking and stress. It's in my mind, but there is just this thing about putting something slimy in your mouth and white is even worse. I gag just thinking about it. Anyway, I'm just glad that's over.

In the afternoon I went for lab and my doctor's appointment and was informed my appointment was on Friday. I know this (for a change) was not my misunderstanding. I even asked the nurse why I would be coming to see the doctor before my appointment with the urologist. It made sense to me that the doctor would want to see the urologist's report before he saw me. So the nurse went to speak to someone about it and came back and told me it didn't matter which order I saw them in. You would have thought she would have said you are seeing the urologist first if she had told me the doctor appointment was Friday. Anyway, I have screwed up my appointments several times so this time I wrote down exactly what she told me. It isn't a big deal but it seems like I'm the one who always has to say, "maybe I made a mistake" but you never hear them say it might have been their mistake. Do I sound like my fuse is running short? Not really, but this is what happened. I have a huge amount of patience but....
Blessings

Cluttered House/Cluttered Mind

Today I had to go pick up the barium for my Cat scan tomorrow. I prefer the PET scan. The radioactive stuff they shoot into your veins is better then barium. I'm thinking the CIA should replace water boarding with barium intake.

I'm back to sorting and cleaning. Deciding what to throw away, give away or sell. Tonya says to just give it all away and not worry about what I can sell. That would make it easier but I do own a few things that are worth something. Those things I'd rather give to someone who would appreciate them then to dump them at the Goodwill or Salvation Army. Time will tell.

Cleaning up the clutter and mess is the best thing I can do for my peace of mind. Not seeing it is such a relief. Unfortunately, I think it'll take months to get through everything. Maybe I should just order one of those huge construction dumpsters and go to town. It is really a shame the way my life became so cluttered. How did I let this happen?

Invitation to a Pity Party

Today I made what is becoming my weekly trip to the doctor's office. Under the circumstances I really shouldn't complain but why stop now? I was told to contact my oncology doctor if I have pain or bleeding so when I started bleeding I gave them a call. I really don't know why I bother. If I have pain they just always say they don't know why I have pain. That's why I never called them the last two weeks when I was in pain but when I started bleeding I decided to give in. They sent me to my regular doctor to see if it was a urinary tract infection. No infection. I think Dr. Lindstrom was surprised at the fact they didn't want to see me. I suppose they want to rule out everything else before they deal with it. Dr. Lindstrom suspects cancer in the bladder. Now I need a new CAT scan and I have to go see a urologist. This sounds like more fun than I want to handle. I'm just too busy to deal with this plus, I have eaten enough wheat grass and green juice to kill a cow. I'm sure this is making me feel better.....I should be healed already. Okay, I know it doesn't work like that but I can dream, right? More later......
Blessings

Spring Clean-up

In the midst of sorting and cleaning the "stuff" in my house, I decided I better get some "spring cleaning" done in my yard. This was the cause of the last eye issue. Anyway, I've been busy pulling weeds, trimming hedges and bushes and raking. It's a stop and start project as I don't seem to have the energy I use to. I have always enjoyed working in the yard. You wouldn't know that by looking at my yard. This time last year I was starting chemo so the yard was neglected all year. I bet my neighbors are glad that I'm feeling better. I hope to be planting flowers in my flower pots before long. The spring weather is so wonderful. It would be hard to not feel good when the sun is shining and it's so nice outside.

I just heard this somewhere (can't remember where) and really liked this comment:
"At the end of the day, you learn who cares about you and what you care about."
It might have come from Joel Osteen's sunday program. Anyway, it really it hit home.
Blessings

Only Half Blind

Okay, what's up with this? I had to go to the doctor yesterday for my left eye. Exactly one week after going in for my right eye. I hope I'm not becoming a hypochondriac. The doctor actually found a tiny sliver in my eye and it had scratched the cornea. Now I'm wearing an eye patch. I can't believe how much having one eye covered affects your sight. It's really weird.

Today is Serenity's sixth birthday. I have been working on finishing her outfit for her birthday party on Saturday. I'm finding it a little difficult trying to cut and sew. I need lots of luck with this one.
Blessings

What's Up With This?

Okay, this is wierd. Now my left eye is sore, swollen and oozing. I trimmed hedges yesterday and I am pretty sure this time there really is something in my eye. Using Visine to try to wash it out. I know if I go to the doctor again they'll think I'm just needing attention. For a woman who has almost never had a cold and not for longer than a day and someone who has gone as long as 15 years without having to go to the doctor, it does seem like I'm trying to make up for it now. This really makes me wonder if the chemo hasn't weakened my body so much I can't even fight a little foreign matter under my eyelid. I guess I can't blame everything on chemo but it's such any easy target. Shame on me!
Blessings