First Born

It's 1:37PM on the east coast. In about one hour it will be 39 years ago today that my first child was born. Tonya Marie Williams came into this world on December 7, 1970 at 2:39PM at the Havre de Grace Memorial Hospital in Havre de Grace, Maryland. She weighed in at 8lbs. 9 1/2oz. and was 19" long. Just like in my favorite movie, Gone With The Wind, I "didn't know nothin' 'bout birthin' no babies!" The nurse asked about water breaking and I had no idea what she was talking about (partly because it didn't break). She wanted to know if my mother had told me anything about having babies and what to expect. She looked at me like I was crazy when I told her my mother never had a baby. She stormed off muttering something about babies having babies. This comment confused me as I was 19 years old and I'm pretty sure I knew everything. Who was she calling a baby.

Tonya was born with blue eyes and blond hair. The eyes confused me and the doctor explained that most babies are born with blue eyes and they change later. Boy, I was learning something new each hour. Nothing like learning as you go. But then experience is the best teacher.

This baby had the prettiest dimples and the fattest little cheeks. You know, Grandma (or old aunt) pinching cheeks. My friend Willma called her chipmunk cheeks. She thought this was very funny (sorry that this comes out after all these years). I knew she meant it fondly but...as a new mother, I can guarantee you that I found no humor in it. New mothers (especially first time mothers) are very protective of their young...you know, like a lioness with her cub. The claws can come out at the first sign you're going where you have no business. Of course I was a domesticated animal so I was civilized and I'm sure I laughed along. I have a friend (Sandy) from Texas who always said "Liz, you wouldn't say s_ _ t if you had a mouth full"!

Wasn't this the most beautiful, perfect baby ever born? Of course she was. Just ask me and I would have told you this. She was a good child and only slightly multiplied her mothers OCD. Everyone always said Tonya was the most like me of my three children. If she is your friend, nobody would stick with you through thick and thin like she would. By five she was fashion conscience and the best bargain shopper you would ever meet. I made a lot of her clothes and at a young age she had the artistic touch. She liked to pick patterns and match fabrics etc. Tonya is a person with great integrity , grace and beauty. I am very proud of her.

Oh, and I have to add that she has this wonderful husband who actually bought her birthday presents and even wrapped them himself (of course she deserves a man like this). I must say though that I was very impressed.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TONYA

For her brother, Chris and sister, Jessica, don't laugh too hard about "chipmunk cheeks". You will both have birthdays before Tonya has another one and I have "stories" for each of you.

Just like my friend Rosemary tells her children, you are each my favorite.

To scan or not to scan, that is the question

Today I was thinking about how confusing life can be. The more I read the more I research, the more confused I become. I have a PT scan scheduled for Tuesday and while I feel like I don't want to put more "poison" in my body I am truly curious to see the results. There are those people who advice to only use natural treatments and those who advice to use the conventional treatments and lately I've been exposed to those who believe in using both natural and conventional treatments in harmony. Just when I think I have all the answers I'm back at square one. You know, that fork in the road. Sometimes this is okay but at other times I don't know if I trust myself to make the right turn. For someone pretty head-strong and set in her ways I seem to waver more and more. This couldn't have anything to do with all the "right" choices I've made throughout my life could it?

I am putting my trust in Jesus. If I wasn't meant to still be here I wouldn't be. There must be a plan for me. When it's time for me to be gone, I'll be gone. I have worked really hard on being ready for this. In the meantime I am wanting to make the most of the time I have left. Many days I feel guilty that I am wasting precious time. This time God has given me is valuable and I need to be using it wisely. I'll keep working on that also. As far as the other choices go, I know only I can make those decisions and I have to trust that I am following God's will.

Joel Osteen

Tonight Tonya took myself and several of her friends to see Joel Osteen (the smiling preacher). He was speaking at the Jobing.com arena in Glendale. I enjoy his Sunday morning sermons. He is always very positive and definitely preaches the law of attraction. Yes, I did rededicate my life to Christ. Actually, I had already made this decision privately. This was my public acknowledgement.

While I have always tried to live my life the way I thought God would want, I have always had a problem with "blind trust". Don't suppose that has anything to do with my childhood. I suppose a five year old child who thinks "anyone who is nice to you wants something, so stay away, don't trust them" might have some trust issues. It's the whole putting your faith in God to take care of things. If you felt like you grew up, only able to depend on yourself, it's hard to let go and expect someone else to take care of you. In AA and Alanon they say "let go and let God".

Thank goodness I was adopted by a family who taught me about God and what was wrong and right. We might have been torn between the Southern Baptist and the Catholic Church but obviously we got quite the religious coverage.

I use to say I thought I would go to heaven. I can tell you now that I am going to heaven. This is something I have no doubt about and because of this, I have no fear of dying. I am looking forward to my reward in heaven.

Thank you to the Osteen family for their faith and for sharing and spreading it with others.

I will confess that after the program was over I did say a small prayer to God to protect them and not let the "woes" of so many public figures befall them. No, I was not being negative. I was just trying to cover all the bases. Turns out Tonya and I were thinking the same thing.

Hello From Arizona

Here it is the middle of November already. Or is that "Movember"? The Susan G. Komen 3day is going on this weekend in Gilbert Arizona. Movember is the newer male counterpart started to promote awareness of prostate cancer. Men grow beards during the month of November.

I've been in Arizona a month. Not missing the 40 some degree temps in Nebraska. It is beautiful here now. I've seen Dr. P three times and have gone to someone new a few times. I've been going to see Andria Valent, L.M.T. who does something called cupping. She did the procedure on the leg where I had a lymph node removed in 2004. I've had a lot of pain in that leg since, sometimes quite severe. She worked on it on Monday and I haven't had any pain since than. What a relief that has been. My stomach pain has been almost non existant also. I have been sleeping like a baby and not taking anything for pain.

The house here isn't ready yet but it's looking wonderful. New floors and walls and fresh paint. It's going to be beautiful. I've been staying with Tonya and Steve (and of course the kiddies, when they're here). I better not forget the additions to the family, Bella and Sicily, two adopted labs. Very well behaved girls.

My friend, Crystal, came out with me from Nebraska on the 12th of October. We did a little sightseeing. Tonya took us to Kartchner Caverns and we went out for a comedy night. Had lots of fun. When the house is done, I expect lots of company.

Life Goes On...Ready Or Not

Wow, the Junk Jaunt is over. I got rid of a lot of things that I would have otherwise given to the Salvation Army. I was surprised how much money I made....those dollar bills add up fast (about like spending-they go fast). The Salvation Army did get one load before the Junk Jaunt and another load after. This gives you an idea of how much "junk" was in my house. I had previously taken three loads to Goodwill. There is still enough stuff for another Junk Jaunt and several loads for the Salvation Army. Then there's all the "stuff" I've been unable to part with...that will be my spring project. The Junk Jaunt was a lot of work but also a lot of fun. My friend Judy did it at her house and she ended up not putting anything out for sale. Her husband Gene had birdhouses and other things for sale. He also did quite well. Gene and I took all the room so Judy was edged out even if she had wanted to sell things. We had a great time visiting a lot of people from all over Nebraska and a lot of other states. We had about 200 people each day and we weren't even on the main drag or in town. It was a good time.

In the last few weeks I've been trying to get some painting done. I helped Judy and Gene do some painting on their fence, put a coat of primer on my privacy fence and helped Jessica put primer on her deck. Last Wednesday was the last nice day we had (and the first one in a week or more). We have 30 days to get a coat of paint on all this primer. Saturday AM we had 6 inches of snow. This Wednesday is suppose to be 60 but now they're saying 40. I hate to think of having to scrape and repaint all this in the spring.

October 17th I'm headed to Arizona for the winter (with a short trip back for Christmas). After the first snow I am really looking forward to not being here for all the cold weather. The weather is the one thing I won't miss. My friend Crystal will be traveling with me for a short trip. Her first visit to Arizona. It'll be nice to have her with me.

Had a doctor appointment at the oncology center today. For the most part, my numbers are still good. The only bad news (which I just got a phone call about) was my CA125. A month ago my number was unbelievably at 17. Today that number was 72. Quite a jump and of course Dr. Copur immediately started talking about needing chemo immediately. His advice is to have chemo before I go to Arizona. He says I can't wait till December. I told him I would talk to him during my December appointment. The poor man doesn't take no for any answer. A round of chemo takes almost three months and it was two months before I felt human again. Hell, winter would be over and Arizona would be too hot for me then. I didn't think I'd ever make it through the first round and really am not sure I'd make it through another. I don't want to go like that. I'd rather go out kicking than lay down and die.

All that is neither here nor there anyway. I'm going to Arizona for more positive thinking and healing and I'll be feeling better before I know it. Looking forward to seeing the house and getting settled in. Serenity and Jessica will come out in March to visit me. I will probably have separation anxiety over being away from Serenity for so long. She would like to go to Arizona with grandma but Jessica simply says "no". Can you believe how selfish she is? Won't let me take her only child away from her. I'm sure there'll be lots of phone calls and letters.

If I blogged everyday, like I always intend, I wouldn't have such long blogs. I'll have to work on that. I really don't use my time as wisely as I should. You would think that a terminal diagnosis would teach you to make better use of your time. Unfortunately, or fortunately, life goes on. We keep living each day and doing what we need to do as things pop up. Of course all the time in the back of your head is the thought that "I really don't have time for this" because I have so many other things I need to be getting done. We do what we have to do and appreciate being able to have time to do the things we just "want to do". Quite often I feel guilty because I'm sure God has given me this extra time to do something meaningful. I still don't know what that is. He must be getting impatient with me my now. Wondering if I'll ever "get" it. I keep waiting for him to show me the way but I guess I haven't "seen the light" yet. Of course there is always the possibility that I am doing what God put me here for. Not everyone can be a great unforgettable person and "Mother Liz" really doesn't have the sound of Mother Theresa.

Blessings to all!

Busy Bee

The wedding is over. It turned out very beautifully. I had another birthday and I'm still here. It was a great birthday. Many wishes from people who hadn't remembered my birthday in years. Tonya and family sent me beautiful flowers and clothes and Etta and family sent me a wonderful book to record memories for my children. I was very touched. Rosemary called with best wishes. Dales'a birthday was the day after mine and Serenity insisted that he needed a cake. I forgot that I threw away all the candles when I first started clearing things out. I never dreamed then that I would be here for another birthday and there have been many celebrations since that day. The Lord has blessed me. I am very thankful.

Now I need to get on the ball and get ready for the Junk Jaunt. I have four days to do what I planned on doing all month. Wish me luck. A few years ago this wouldn't be anything to stress about and I always worked well under pressure. Boy are those days gone. I'll be busy now until next week. I'll let you know how it goes.

As soon as the Junk Jaunt is over I need to prepare for my winter in Arizona. I am very excited to see what the house there looks like. Steve and Tonya have been working very hard on it.
Love and prayers to all.

Wedding Bells

My friend Crystal Hanrahan is getting married on September 19th. She is marrying another friend Dan Hey. These are two truly wonderful people whom I believe were meant for each other. I met Crystal when we were on the Ravenna Chamber of Commerce together. Dan's sister Stacey lived with us when she was a senior in high school. When Crystal informed me that her boyfriend was Dan and she was thinking of moving in with him, you could have knocked me over with a feather. Dan is a nice guy but I've never known him to make a committement to any woman. Who would have thought Dan would ever get married.....!!!

Dan likes to cook and, like me, Crystal enjoys good food. Crystal helps keep Dan organized and on task. He is very handy and has done a wonderful job on fixing up the house they have bought and Crystal has decorated it like a model home. These two really balance each other out.

Yesterday I went wedding shopping with Crystal. I went along just for the company. It was quite enjoyable watching Crystal get excited about the wedding. We were after decorations and all the little last minute things. I was even brave and offered my opinion about some items. Usually I bite my tongue and don't offer advise. Whenever you hear me talking funny it's because my tongue is swollen from biting it.

Crystal asked me to light the candle (her mother won't be there and she has sort of adopted me) and I told her no. I hate being in front of people. The one thing I disliked about working for the Chamber was having my picture taken for the newspaper. I felt bad about it and the truth is, if she really wants me to do it, I will. I feel bad that I said no. It was truly very selfish of me as this day will be about Crystal and Dan and definitely not about me.

Jessica and Serenity already have their dresses and I have looked but haven't found anything I really feel comfortable in. I better get busy and find an appropriate outfit for this wonderful day.

Hopefully, Crystal will still be speaking to me. I wish her and Dan all the happiness in the world. They deserve the best in life.

Grandma's Pride

Wow, what a wonderful three days I had with Serenity. I was determined to give her the time and attention that I use to give her before I lost all my energy. We had a great time playing even though grandma had to take a few breaks. On Sunday I gave Serenity her first sewing lesson. She sewed a straighter line than grandma. In no time she was stitching designs in the fabric. She loved doing this. I have no idea what this child will even desire to be when she grows up. Most children you can tell. They seem to be good at a particular thing or have one big passion. She enjoys so many things and seems to have so many abilities. Yes, I am biased, but this observation is clear to everyone who knows her. She is just so passionate about everything she does. She says she wants to be a doggie doctor when she grows up. Anyone who knows Jessica wouldn't be surprised that her daughter loves animals (especially dogs). She also loves music, dancing, singing, making up stories and plays and so many other things. Unfortunately, she doesn't like school (even though it's one of her favorite things to play). She says school is boring and she thinks grandma could teach her everything she learns at school. I explained to her that grandma is not equipped to be a teacher. Even grandma doesn't have the patience that a good teacher must have. I take my hats off to them. If I could teach Serenity anything, it would be how to be less shy. This child, who is willing to perform for anyone who will watch, is quite shy most of the time.

Most of us don't grow up to do or be what we wanted when we were young. I believe we all still carry the desire and passion in our hearts. We probably all know the child who wanted to be a nurse and grew up to be one or, the child who wanted to be a doctor who grew up to be one. We also all know someone like the bookkeeper who wanted to be an artist and still looks at everyday things and sees what they would look like welded together or sees a beautiful scene and sees it as a quilt or what it would look like in a charcoal sketch. We have the friend who wanted to be an artist and is caring, lovingly, for the less fortunate, or the daughter who is a real estate broker who desired to be an artist and can now see the potential in a piece of property. These people will always be artists. Actually, I think we are all artists. The surgeon who is so careful to stitch so that scar is invisible, the landscaper who mows a lawn or trims a bush in a beautiful even pattern and yes, the bookkeeper who in the days before computers could write such tiny and neat numbers and letters people would not believe they were done freehand. What a wonderful world we live in where a higher power has allowed everyone of us to help make a beautiful world.

I have five wonderful grandchildren now. I mostly talk about Serenity because I have spent so much of my life the last six years with her. Rarely do I go a week without her precious company. Yes, I can see her being the rock-star she talks about all the time. All of my grandchildren are very talented. I can see Char being a great horsemen/trainer (horse-person?) and McKenna being an actress and Kieran being a producer/director and Quinn being the poster child for what autism can be. I can't think of his name, but the guy who looks at a city and can later draw the scene in the most minute detail, from memory, that is Quinn. Just the fact that he has progressed so much in the short time I have known him, makes Quinn a work of art. I see the beauty and talent in each of these children and no matter what path they take in life, I will always see the beauty and talent.

DVD sleeve cover, by Quinn Price 8/2009

I never knew how much love my heart could hold,
Until someone called be Grandma.
(author unknown)

Each day we need to remember to look at all people with love. We can see the beauty and the talent in everyone we meet...yes, even those people we are not so fond of. Life is too short for the alternative.

Love and prayers to all.

P.S. The artist guy with the great memory for city scapes is Stephen Wiltshire.

Precious Time

Most days I keep a little list of things I want to get done that day. As long as I get something on my list accomplished I feel good. Friday, Saturday and Sunday I won't have to worry about this. There is no school on Monday and the daycare is closed so Serenity Jade gets stuck with grandma for three days this weekend. Miss Serenity will keep me well entertained. By 10:00AM yesterday we had already had a big day. After she washed the dishes we played restaurant. She made me sandwiches with the sponge and the dish soap. She likes to make up words and she says the "English" word "majewel" means perfect and she made me a perfect sandwich. She thanked me for visiting her restaurant and told me that if I came back again she would make me her delicious salosh or jewelmoon sandwich. I can't wait. Next we played science. She mixed up a new drink for us to try. She informed me that this is how people make inventions. We named the drink Mixed Drink (grandma wasn't giving very good suggestions). This drink was made with water, milk, diet coke and apple juice. Can you believe it was actually drinkable (I said drinkable, not good!). Not only am I her lab assistant, I am also her lab rat. School was next and of course I needed to learn to read. With her help I was able to read her library book "Read-A-Picture Animals".


Today by noon she played scientist again and was working on a drink to help cancer. I just got done watching her puppet show which was a one act, one person play. It was very good and was obviously based on her recent, first time experience, with getting grounded. She was totally heartbroken that she would get grounded and couldn't understand why she had to be grounded when it was the first time she had been so bad. She went down the street to see if another little girl could play and she didn't ask mommy first. Of course mommy would have never let her do that alone. Mommy had no idea where she was and was of course very upset with her. She actually worries more about mommy being mad at her then her punishment. She did call grandma crying and asked me to tell her mommy she was a "bad parent" because she was grounding her and not giving her another chance. She was crying so hard it broke my heart. Of course I had to tell her that mommy was the boss and I would have grounded her too. She use to think that her mommy had to listen to me because I am her mommy. Now she tells me to tell mommy this and that but "mommy doesn't have to listen to you grandma". Oh boy, all the lessons we have to learn at such an early age. The scary thing is, we never stop learning lessons no matter how old we get.

Serenity is trying to get my attention - the next adventure I'm sure.

I'm thanking God for each new day.

Hello Again

Hello! Back again after more than three months. I have been remiss in posting on my blog because I've been very busy. I am doing very well. My blood counts are better than they have been since I was first diagnosed. That was January 2008 and at that time I never expected then that I could last this long. What a learning experience it has been.

A short update on what's been going on.....


In June Jessica, Serenity and I met Tonya in California. We went to Disneyland, Sea World, Muir Woods, and tons of places. I love San Francisco (my first time there) and would live there in a minute if I won a huge lottery. We met Chris in Chico and spent several days there. It was so nice to see him. You do have to wonder what kind of mother goes 18 years without seeing her child. For those of you who know Chris, he has always been a sweet and loving boy. It was wonderful to visit with him. I have missed him so much. Jessica extended her trip and went to Chico with us. I am so happy that she was able to do this and not miss this opportunity. We went from LA to San Francisco along the coast. It was as beautiful as I remembered. We ate at a restaurant in Big Sur that reminded me of California in 1969. I think all the kids enjoyed the trip and the visiting. Serenity Jade of course had a big time. She's becoming quite the traveler.


Jessica flew home from Chico and Serenity, Tonya and I went back to Arizona. Serenity had swimming lessons with Uncle Steve and Aunt Tonya. She thinks she is a pro. She also spent time on the drums as you can see on YouTube. We visited the house that Tonya found in Gilbert for me. She and Steve will be doing a lot of work on it. They are brave souls. In October I'll be going to Arizona to stay. Serenity doesn't understand why Grandma is leaving her. Of course Grandma can't go too long without my sweet girl. She keeps me going.



In July my mom and my aunt Irene came to visit. I had visited with my aunt in March and was glad she was able to accompany my mom. We had a great time visiting. They were suppose to stay 13 days but mom didn't hold up that long. They made it almost 6 days. I won't go into details, but it didn't end very pleasantly. I was resigned not to let it bother me, but the truth is it was weeks before I was truly beyond it. Life happens. I just don't have the time or energy to dwell on the negative. I'll try to remember the good things.

I have been working on organizing all my papers. Getting rid of old stuff I don't need. I still had income tax returns going back to 1986. The paper shredder has been running non-stop. I have almost completed this project. All that is left is going through all the medical stuff and deciding what I need to keep and getting it filed. At least someone can go through my file cabinet now and find the important insurance stuff etc.

The house clean out is going slow. I am going to do the Nebraska Junk Jaunt in September with my friend Judy. She was planning on doing it so I invited myself to go in with her. I don't think I can do it without help and she and her husband have been very helpful to me. I figured why give away everything when I could make some money for my "junk".

I have spent much of the last few weeks helping Jessica do a little re-decorating. We got new curtains and mini blinds. All the curtains have to be hemmed because she lives in a mobile home and all the curtains are too long. So my sewing machine is hemming away. Just hanging curtain rods was quite an ordeal. Serenity is so happy with her new curtains. Her bedroom is beautiful. Needless to say, they are her favorite color...pink. Jessica had bought her a new bedspread and sheets for Christmas (Hannah Montana of course). When the sun shines through her windows, it is unbelievable how bright her room is now. She is very happy. She said her little friend who lives next door doesn't even have curtains in her room.

I have been painting boards to repair the privacy fence at my back patio. I had to replace the back door (a wonderful friend did this for me) and I needed some new locks on the doors. The bathroom door still needs replaced and the whole house needs painted (inside). I have also been doing work in the yard (trimming lilacs etc.). Last summer I almost never made it outside and I think I missed that more than anything else. Been buying fresh produce at the Farmer's Market each Thursday. I'm not good at sticking with doing something non stop. I go from project to project (less boring). I think I have fooled myself into thinking I'm getting more done this way. The problem with this is it takes forever to complete a project. I am staying on it steady but I move very slow compared to how I use to be. I'll keep plugging away and of course I never over do. Rest is also very important.

Okay, the Junk Jaunt is three weeks away. I need to finish the last curtains, trim my hedges one more time, make a trip to the dump and call the guy about replacing the roof . I better stop gabbing and get busy on the sewing machine. I am so happy to be here and to be able to keep doing all the things I need to do. I am also very grateful for good friends and family and appreciate everyone's concern for me. Life is wonderful. I'm still counting my blessings.

Love and Prayers to everyone.