You Can Never Go Home Again

Wow, what a trip. More excitement then an old lady should handle. It'll take a little time to calm down after this trip. My family is originally from Maryland but my brother Ken lives in Pennsylvania and my brother John and his family live in New Jersey as does my mom and two aunts. My mom, two brothers and my beautiful nieces pooled funds to pay for this trip. Serenity and I are very grateful to them for this wonderful opportunity. I think this is a time Serenity will never forget. Her second cousins played with her endlessly. She met so many family members she couldn't possibly remember them all. Thank goodness for the wonderful pictures my niece Jenifer took. She is a professional photographer. Jenifer compiled a pictorial history of our visit. Serenity will have this to relive the great time she had (and so will I).

We arrived in New Jersey a little after midnight on Sunday the 15th. As we came off the plane I could see my mother first, my brother John was about 8 feet to her left. I truly don't think either one of them recognized me. It was so good to see them. In a strange way I felt like I was going home even though I have never lived in New Jersey and did not grow up with either one of them. Serenity was just excited because she rode on two planes in one day. She said that was "unbelievable". Serenity took to Uncle John right away (he's actually her great uncle). It's funny how kids know who they can trust.

By Sunday Serenity was warming up to great grandma. My nieces, Cindy and Jenifer came over and spent the better part of the afternoon and early evening "playing" with Serenity. They had a great time together. She warmed up to them in a matter of seconds. She really does better with adults than children. I think this is because she has spent most of her time with adults. My mother and I were able to visit one on one most of the day.

Monday afternoon we had the pleasure of meeting two of my aunts who I hadn't seen in 51 years. Aunt Irene was 21 and Aunt Betty was 18 when I was adopted. I actually saw my Aunt Irene about 12 years ago for about 30 seconds. She worked in a toll booth on the New Jersey Turnpike. My mother was the first of 9 children. I remember her sisters as a child but I couldn't tell you who was who or what their names were. It seemed like there were always so many people living in my Grandfather's house I did't even remember that my mother had only two brothers. I just knew there was a hugh family. My grandparents still had young kids at home. My Aunt Dot was the youngest and she was one month short of her 5th birthday when I was born. About the time my Grandmother stopped having babies, her children started having them.
On Tuesday my brother John took me to Manhattan, New York for my appoinment with Dr. Lilli Link. Serenity and my mother went along. Dr. Link said it was the largest group she'd had at an appointment. She took it very well. I appreciate her graciousness. As usual, Serenity was a little lady. More about this appointment later. New York never changes. No parking or lots of illegal parking that people use and you have to decide if you can take the chance or if you're willing to pay the ticket. We did get soft pretzels on a corner (on my agenda) and enjoyed them in the car to avoid an expensive ticket. We planned to eat lunch in the city but we put it to a vote and Serenity and Great Grandma didn't want to park illegally. Also on my agenda was taking Serenity to the Statue of Liberty. We did get a quick glance of it but Serenity was sleeping in the back seat. The statue still puts a lump in my throat. The tunnels hadn't changed a bit. I would love to visit the museum at Ellis Island some day. That'll be on the agenda for another visit. We ended going to Red Bank in New Jersey and eating at The Brothers. Awesome pasta was consumed by Serenity and Grandma. Thank goodness we decided to share....One plate was enough for four people. Cindy came over that evening and played endlessly with Serenity.

Wednesday brought Aunt Irene and Aunt Betty back for another pleasurable visit. More kitchen table chitter chatter. It was so much fun getting to know these ladies. I didn't want our visits to stop. I had so many questions I would love to ask but was very careful what I said so as not to get my mother into a "mood". We looked at my mother's collection of photos and I was told who everyone was and many stories. Cindy and Jenifer took Serenity to Patriot's Park to play like three little girls on holiday. Jenifer took lots of photos and they said Serenity took about 500 pictures. She loves clicking a camera. John and Joann met the girls at the park and came back to mom's. Joann and the girls fixed dinner for us, flavorful roasted chicken and fixings. By the time I got home I had gained 7 pounds. Wouldn't want to do that every week.

Thursday brought more extended chitter chatter with "The Aunts". I enjoy them so. My mother is so lucky to have these ladies to spend her time with. Too bad she probably doesn't properly appreciate them. I say that not to be negative but I know how she is. I gave her the "life's too short" lecture but she could care less. She needs to learn some forgiveness and let go. They have obviously learned to forgive her. That evening my brother Ken and his girlfriend Joyce came from Pennsylvania to visit. This called for seconds on the chicken dinner which was as good the second time around. I was very excited to see Ken but knew there wouldn't be much one on one as Ken is my mother's son and is not very demonstrative. I still enjoyed the time we were able to spend together. Joyce is a wonderful person and I am so glad Ken has someone to share his life with. I wish my mother could be happy that both my brothers have someone to share their lives with and someone who cares about them. If she had someone maybe she would be a happier person. Cindy showed up loaded with lots of fun with Ms. Serenity. They did crafts for four hours. This exceeds Grandma patience. John and Joanne showed up to join in all the excitement and Jenifer brought her Aunt Patty for a visit. Patty came armed with organic wine that everyone decided wasn't what it was cracked up to be. Patty has spent most of her adult life fighting cancer. She is now on her third campaign. I needed more time to talk with this brave lady. I'm shell shocked from two rounds with one cancer. I can't imagine three rounds of mutiple cancers and still coming up kicking. What a soldier she is.

Friday We woke to a heavy wet snow. By the time we left the house at 11:00 there wasn't one flake left. Ken took us all out to breakfast. We had a wonderful old fashioned breakfast at a quaint little restaurant. I was shocked at the prices. You couldn't eat breakfast here for those prices. We did some organic shopping, went to the health food store where I saw my first "live" wheat grass and stopped by a thrift shop. I wish we had that kind of thrift store here. I could have better furniture because it was much better than Goodwill. Ken pushed Serenity around in the shopping cart. She didn't talk much and of course he didn't either. She still seemed to like Great Uncle Ken. Joyce says Serenity is 5 going on 30. I do believe her mind works more like an adults than a lot of adults I know. Great Grandma could learn a few things from this child. After all the shopping we headed to Bricktown to Aunt Irene's house. We picked Aunt Betty up on the way. At Aunt Irene's I got to meet my Uncle Jr. His name is George but everyone calls him Jr. I think Uncle Jr. was disappointed that I didn't remember him. Their daughter Katie and granddaughter Breanna also came to visit. Two more delightful people whom I enjoyed visiting with. I got a chance to see their family photos. Lots of people hate it when people pull out the photo albums but I have always enjoyed looking at photos. Uncle Jr. took a large number of the White clan and Ken, Joyce, Aunt Betty, my mom, Serenity and I to Charlie Brown's Steak House in Lakewood for dinner. It was an excellent meal with wonderful company and conversation. The filet mignon matched any steak that Nebraska is famous for. Breanna is 12 and we discovered she and Serenity both enjoy dancing. They were each generous with their food. Breanna sharing her pasta with Serenity and Serenity sharing her cheese sticks with Breanna. They are both beautiful young ladies After dinner Serenity was getting up from the table and I asked her where she was going. She informed Grandma that she was going to dance for us. I had to be the bad guy and explain that we were in a public restaurant with lots of other people (it was packed) and she wouldn't be able to dance for us even though I knew everyone would enjoy it. She agreed to dance for us later. It was an enjoyable day and I even forced a goodbye hug from my brother Ken before he headed back home. He acted like it hurt but I know he loves me because he sent me some Protocel for my cancer campaign (I hate to call it a battle so I think "campaign" will suffice).

On Saturday Cindy took me to her house to print our boarding passes. We used this time to break away from Virginia (my mom) for awhile and my brother John's family and Cindy's husband Jerry took us out for lunch. My mother had invited everyone to her house for goodbyes. Cindy, Jenifer and their brother John Paul took Serenity roller skating and the rest of us went back to my mother's. The Aunt's were there and Aunt Irene's daughter Sara and her son AJ were expected. We spent the afternoon talking about nicknames and in general having a good time sharing stories and laughing. If laughter is good then I shouldn't have any cancer cells left. They should all be laughed away. I also used this time to campaign for the CA125 test. I feel obligated to tell everyone how important this cancer cell indicator test is. If this is the reason God has allowed me to still be here I don't want to miss an opportunity to do "my job". While cancer doesn't run in my family, many of the in-laws have had issues with it. The word needs to get out there. My Aunt Irene said she is going to ask her doctor if she should have the test. This is the best early indicator for many types of cancer and we know how important early detection is. Pass along the word. Okay, I'll get off the soap box now. John ordered pizza for everyone for our evening constitution and Serenity decided she didn't like New Jersey pizza. After everyone else left, my mother, Cindy, Jenifer and I had cheesecake and tea (I also tried my first shot of wheat grass). This was a nice quiet wrap up for the week. I must say now that my mother is the only one who didn't show up to say goodbye. She was there in body but after everyone left she once again entered her world of secret agony (self inflected). She choose to go to her room and not come out. It was probably better this way because I wouldn't have been good face to face indulging her self pity. I find it much easier to deal with her over the phone. I love my mother very much. One of my strongest memories was her hugging me the day I was sent away. I can still smell her hair and the feel of it on my cheek. I prefer to remember things like this and forget how she is now. I think she did the best she could and the best she knew how. I believe her own personal demons and guilt have turned her into the person she is today. Seeing her like this is my example not to follow in her footsteps. Tonya says it's a good thing my mother doesn't have a computer...I think she's right!

The perfect wrap up to the longest blog I have written (to date) would be to thank my mother for giving me up for adoption. No matter what the future was to bring, I truly believe that my life would have been a nightmare if I had been raised (and I use the term loosely) by my mother. My only consolation would have been my brothers and maybe life would have been different for them if I had been there for them. I know I would have been a different person than I am today and I can say I like myself today.

Thank you God!

Blessings to all