The Cost of Not Forgiving?

This week I've been giving a lot of thought to forgiveness again. I wrote about it briefly in a blog in February but it keeps popping into my brain. In March a wrote a blog about going to New Jersey to see my mother and then in September I wrote about my mom coming to visit me. If you read those blogs you might have gotten the idea that my biological mother is just a little difficult. This would be an understatement. She is all about difficult. I think she invented difficult and probably mean and nasty. The reason this is weighing on my mind is because she is very ill. I don't know how any human being could go through life being so miserable and unhappy. How much better her life could have been if she could have learned to just enjoy it and enjoy the people around her. Of course the worse part of being like this is you are bound to take other people "down" with you. I think this is a sad legacy to leave behind. Sad that people will remember her being this type of person. Of course when someone is gone the emotions soften and it becomes easier to remember the "good" times. This is especially true when you don't have to be on guard waiting for more "bad" times.

Don't get me wrong. Her family loves her of course. Her sisters and her children and grandchildren all love her. The fact is we can love someone but not like them very much. It's the things they do that we don't like. There is nothing like a sharp tongue or a nasty glare to cut you through to the core.

I hadn't seen my mother from the time I was 6 until I was 41 or 42. Her family endured her scorn for many years. I never experienced it until last July when she came to visit me. It was not a pretty sight and even though it happened in front of my eyes, I could not believe how this woman turned on me. I suppose now I could look back and say it's because she was so sick and unknowingly seriously ill, but the fact is this was the real Virginia coming out. I had heard the stories. She just had never turned on me before. Well, at least, not since I was a child.

At the advice of my doctor, I hadn't talked to my mother since her visit to Nebraska in July. I'll blame the doctor but I knew it was the best thing for healing. My mom came to visit for two weeks. On the 5th day she told me off, stormed out of my house and refused to return. I can't believe I'm going to tell this but I had to call the police. She spent the night in a motel and the next day I took her back to the airport. She lasted almost six days. The first day was almost pleasant but it went down hill by the next morning. No long explanation needed, but rest assured it was not pretty and was ridiculous and childish.

My mother had an unbelievable childhood. No one should have to endure and live the kind of life she did. She was on her own from the time she was 12 or 13 and she worked hard her whole life. As she got older it might have been better but it was never good. Abusive family to abusive husbands. By the time she was free and independent she was already so bitter and full of pain and guilt there was no turning back for her.

I think guilt is the biggest burden that people carry. We need to forgive ourselves before we can forgive others. Usually the guilt we carry is unfounded but to us it is as real as if we had gone out and killed someone. We blame ourselves for everything. Yes, some things may be our fault but more often then not the blame and guilt we carry is for something we had no control over. This must be especially true of children. How can a child be responsible for what they are born into? I believe in reincarnation and I believe we are brought into our next life according to the way we lived our last life. Now all I hear is that we asked to come into this life. I have a hard time believing anyone would ask to be born into a life of abuse. Of course I use to not understand how a person was suppose to forgive someone who wronged them and especially if the person refused to accept that they had done wrong or refused to ask for forgiveness. I know now that forgiveness is something we must do for ourselves and it is for ourselves not for the other person. Forgiveness is necessary for both our physical and mental well being.

I spoke previously about Louise Hay. Louise Hay says that we do the best job we can with the tools we have been provided. This is a very important thing to remember when it comes to forgiveness. The people who raise us only have the tools the people who raised them gave them. This is part of the pattern that turns victims into victimizers. If we are lucky we break the pattern instead of continuing it on. So my mother did break the abuse pattern as far as the physical aspect goes. What she became I believe was the result of not being able to forgive herself and the bitterness that grew from not being able to forgive her transgressors.

I can't speak for my brothers, but for my part, I had nothing to forgive my mother for. From the time I was six, I believed in my heart that my mother did the best she could and when she could no longer take care of my youngest brother and I, she again did the best thing she could. She gave us to someone else to love and care for us. I have never had any doubt about this. From the time we were reacquainted it was obvious that my mother carried so much guilt and there was no way to convince her that it wasn't necessary. She held on to it like a badge of courage. She would never admit this. The fact is it seeped from every pore in her body. I speak of my youngest brother, Rex and I, but there were two other brothers that are a part of this family. I can't begin to speak for them and what they have lived through. Rex and I were adopted and we learned the meaning of a special kind of love. The not I love you because I have to or because I have no choice but the kind of love that says I love you because I choose to.

Thich Nhat Hanh says "forgiveness is not possible until compassion is born in our hearts".

This of course means we must have compassion for the people who wronged us.

Reverend James Forbes says "the soul wishes peace but anger and revenge won't give it".

Only forgiveness will give us true peace.

Forgiveness allows you to remember but releases the pain in the memory.

The memory is part of what makes us who we are. I can keep the memory but need to let go of the pain. The pain is the thing that destroys our lives.

I actually read somewhere once that often the person you forgive doesn't even know they did anything wrong until you forgive them. Imagine that!

I have always thought I was a fairly good person and never intentionally hurt anyone. The fact is it is possible to cause great hurt and pain with no intention. Since many people believe you must ask for forgiveness in order to be forgiven.....here goes.....

If I have ever hurt or offended anyone in anyway, I ask your forgiveness now.

This must go out especially to my children. They say the ones you love the most are the ones you hurt the most. I know this to be true.