First Born

It's 1:37PM on the east coast. In about one hour it will be 39 years ago today that my first child was born. Tonya Marie Williams came into this world on December 7, 1970 at 2:39PM at the Havre de Grace Memorial Hospital in Havre de Grace, Maryland. She weighed in at 8lbs. 9 1/2oz. and was 19" long. Just like in my favorite movie, Gone With The Wind, I "didn't know nothin' 'bout birthin' no babies!" The nurse asked about water breaking and I had no idea what she was talking about (partly because it didn't break). She wanted to know if my mother had told me anything about having babies and what to expect. She looked at me like I was crazy when I told her my mother never had a baby. She stormed off muttering something about babies having babies. This comment confused me as I was 19 years old and I'm pretty sure I knew everything. Who was she calling a baby.

Tonya was born with blue eyes and blond hair. The eyes confused me and the doctor explained that most babies are born with blue eyes and they change later. Boy, I was learning something new each hour. Nothing like learning as you go. But then experience is the best teacher.

This baby had the prettiest dimples and the fattest little cheeks. You know, Grandma (or old aunt) pinching cheeks. My friend Willma called her chipmunk cheeks. She thought this was very funny (sorry that this comes out after all these years). I knew she meant it fondly but...as a new mother, I can guarantee you that I found no humor in it. New mothers (especially first time mothers) are very protective of their young...you know, like a lioness with her cub. The claws can come out at the first sign you're going where you have no business. Of course I was a domesticated animal so I was civilized and I'm sure I laughed along. I have a friend (Sandy) from Texas who always said "Liz, you wouldn't say s_ _ t if you had a mouth full"!

Wasn't this the most beautiful, perfect baby ever born? Of course she was. Just ask me and I would have told you this. She was a good child and only slightly multiplied her mothers OCD. Everyone always said Tonya was the most like me of my three children. If she is your friend, nobody would stick with you through thick and thin like she would. By five she was fashion conscience and the best bargain shopper you would ever meet. I made a lot of her clothes and at a young age she had the artistic touch. She liked to pick patterns and match fabrics etc. Tonya is a person with great integrity , grace and beauty. I am very proud of her.

Oh, and I have to add that she has this wonderful husband who actually bought her birthday presents and even wrapped them himself (of course she deserves a man like this). I must say though that I was very impressed.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TONYA

For her brother, Chris and sister, Jessica, don't laugh too hard about "chipmunk cheeks". You will both have birthdays before Tonya has another one and I have "stories" for each of you.

Just like my friend Rosemary tells her children, you are each my favorite.

To scan or not to scan, that is the question

Today I was thinking about how confusing life can be. The more I read the more I research, the more confused I become. I have a PT scan scheduled for Tuesday and while I feel like I don't want to put more "poison" in my body I am truly curious to see the results. There are those people who advice to only use natural treatments and those who advice to use the conventional treatments and lately I've been exposed to those who believe in using both natural and conventional treatments in harmony. Just when I think I have all the answers I'm back at square one. You know, that fork in the road. Sometimes this is okay but at other times I don't know if I trust myself to make the right turn. For someone pretty head-strong and set in her ways I seem to waver more and more. This couldn't have anything to do with all the "right" choices I've made throughout my life could it?

I am putting my trust in Jesus. If I wasn't meant to still be here I wouldn't be. There must be a plan for me. When it's time for me to be gone, I'll be gone. I have worked really hard on being ready for this. In the meantime I am wanting to make the most of the time I have left. Many days I feel guilty that I am wasting precious time. This time God has given me is valuable and I need to be using it wisely. I'll keep working on that also. As far as the other choices go, I know only I can make those decisions and I have to trust that I am following God's will.

Joel Osteen

Tonight Tonya took myself and several of her friends to see Joel Osteen (the smiling preacher). He was speaking at the Jobing.com arena in Glendale. I enjoy his Sunday morning sermons. He is always very positive and definitely preaches the law of attraction. Yes, I did rededicate my life to Christ. Actually, I had already made this decision privately. This was my public acknowledgement.

While I have always tried to live my life the way I thought God would want, I have always had a problem with "blind trust". Don't suppose that has anything to do with my childhood. I suppose a five year old child who thinks "anyone who is nice to you wants something, so stay away, don't trust them" might have some trust issues. It's the whole putting your faith in God to take care of things. If you felt like you grew up, only able to depend on yourself, it's hard to let go and expect someone else to take care of you. In AA and Alanon they say "let go and let God".

Thank goodness I was adopted by a family who taught me about God and what was wrong and right. We might have been torn between the Southern Baptist and the Catholic Church but obviously we got quite the religious coverage.

I use to say I thought I would go to heaven. I can tell you now that I am going to heaven. This is something I have no doubt about and because of this, I have no fear of dying. I am looking forward to my reward in heaven.

Thank you to the Osteen family for their faith and for sharing and spreading it with others.

I will confess that after the program was over I did say a small prayer to God to protect them and not let the "woes" of so many public figures befall them. No, I was not being negative. I was just trying to cover all the bases. Turns out Tonya and I were thinking the same thing.

Hello From Arizona

Here it is the middle of November already. Or is that "Movember"? The Susan G. Komen 3day is going on this weekend in Gilbert Arizona. Movember is the newer male counterpart started to promote awareness of prostate cancer. Men grow beards during the month of November.

I've been in Arizona a month. Not missing the 40 some degree temps in Nebraska. It is beautiful here now. I've seen Dr. P three times and have gone to someone new a few times. I've been going to see Andria Valent, L.M.T. who does something called cupping. She did the procedure on the leg where I had a lymph node removed in 2004. I've had a lot of pain in that leg since, sometimes quite severe. She worked on it on Monday and I haven't had any pain since than. What a relief that has been. My stomach pain has been almost non existant also. I have been sleeping like a baby and not taking anything for pain.

The house here isn't ready yet but it's looking wonderful. New floors and walls and fresh paint. It's going to be beautiful. I've been staying with Tonya and Steve (and of course the kiddies, when they're here). I better not forget the additions to the family, Bella and Sicily, two adopted labs. Very well behaved girls.

My friend, Crystal, came out with me from Nebraska on the 12th of October. We did a little sightseeing. Tonya took us to Kartchner Caverns and we went out for a comedy night. Had lots of fun. When the house is done, I expect lots of company.

Life Goes On...Ready Or Not

Wow, the Junk Jaunt is over. I got rid of a lot of things that I would have otherwise given to the Salvation Army. I was surprised how much money I made....those dollar bills add up fast (about like spending-they go fast). The Salvation Army did get one load before the Junk Jaunt and another load after. This gives you an idea of how much "junk" was in my house. I had previously taken three loads to Goodwill. There is still enough stuff for another Junk Jaunt and several loads for the Salvation Army. Then there's all the "stuff" I've been unable to part with...that will be my spring project. The Junk Jaunt was a lot of work but also a lot of fun. My friend Judy did it at her house and she ended up not putting anything out for sale. Her husband Gene had birdhouses and other things for sale. He also did quite well. Gene and I took all the room so Judy was edged out even if she had wanted to sell things. We had a great time visiting a lot of people from all over Nebraska and a lot of other states. We had about 200 people each day and we weren't even on the main drag or in town. It was a good time.

In the last few weeks I've been trying to get some painting done. I helped Judy and Gene do some painting on their fence, put a coat of primer on my privacy fence and helped Jessica put primer on her deck. Last Wednesday was the last nice day we had (and the first one in a week or more). We have 30 days to get a coat of paint on all this primer. Saturday AM we had 6 inches of snow. This Wednesday is suppose to be 60 but now they're saying 40. I hate to think of having to scrape and repaint all this in the spring.

October 17th I'm headed to Arizona for the winter (with a short trip back for Christmas). After the first snow I am really looking forward to not being here for all the cold weather. The weather is the one thing I won't miss. My friend Crystal will be traveling with me for a short trip. Her first visit to Arizona. It'll be nice to have her with me.

Had a doctor appointment at the oncology center today. For the most part, my numbers are still good. The only bad news (which I just got a phone call about) was my CA125. A month ago my number was unbelievably at 17. Today that number was 72. Quite a jump and of course Dr. Copur immediately started talking about needing chemo immediately. His advice is to have chemo before I go to Arizona. He says I can't wait till December. I told him I would talk to him during my December appointment. The poor man doesn't take no for any answer. A round of chemo takes almost three months and it was two months before I felt human again. Hell, winter would be over and Arizona would be too hot for me then. I didn't think I'd ever make it through the first round and really am not sure I'd make it through another. I don't want to go like that. I'd rather go out kicking than lay down and die.

All that is neither here nor there anyway. I'm going to Arizona for more positive thinking and healing and I'll be feeling better before I know it. Looking forward to seeing the house and getting settled in. Serenity and Jessica will come out in March to visit me. I will probably have separation anxiety over being away from Serenity for so long. She would like to go to Arizona with grandma but Jessica simply says "no". Can you believe how selfish she is? Won't let me take her only child away from her. I'm sure there'll be lots of phone calls and letters.

If I blogged everyday, like I always intend, I wouldn't have such long blogs. I'll have to work on that. I really don't use my time as wisely as I should. You would think that a terminal diagnosis would teach you to make better use of your time. Unfortunately, or fortunately, life goes on. We keep living each day and doing what we need to do as things pop up. Of course all the time in the back of your head is the thought that "I really don't have time for this" because I have so many other things I need to be getting done. We do what we have to do and appreciate being able to have time to do the things we just "want to do". Quite often I feel guilty because I'm sure God has given me this extra time to do something meaningful. I still don't know what that is. He must be getting impatient with me my now. Wondering if I'll ever "get" it. I keep waiting for him to show me the way but I guess I haven't "seen the light" yet. Of course there is always the possibility that I am doing what God put me here for. Not everyone can be a great unforgettable person and "Mother Liz" really doesn't have the sound of Mother Theresa.

Blessings to all!

Busy Bee

The wedding is over. It turned out very beautifully. I had another birthday and I'm still here. It was a great birthday. Many wishes from people who hadn't remembered my birthday in years. Tonya and family sent me beautiful flowers and clothes and Etta and family sent me a wonderful book to record memories for my children. I was very touched. Rosemary called with best wishes. Dales'a birthday was the day after mine and Serenity insisted that he needed a cake. I forgot that I threw away all the candles when I first started clearing things out. I never dreamed then that I would be here for another birthday and there have been many celebrations since that day. The Lord has blessed me. I am very thankful.

Now I need to get on the ball and get ready for the Junk Jaunt. I have four days to do what I planned on doing all month. Wish me luck. A few years ago this wouldn't be anything to stress about and I always worked well under pressure. Boy are those days gone. I'll be busy now until next week. I'll let you know how it goes.

As soon as the Junk Jaunt is over I need to prepare for my winter in Arizona. I am very excited to see what the house there looks like. Steve and Tonya have been working very hard on it.
Love and prayers to all.

Wedding Bells

My friend Crystal Hanrahan is getting married on September 19th. She is marrying another friend Dan Hey. These are two truly wonderful people whom I believe were meant for each other. I met Crystal when we were on the Ravenna Chamber of Commerce together. Dan's sister Stacey lived with us when she was a senior in high school. When Crystal informed me that her boyfriend was Dan and she was thinking of moving in with him, you could have knocked me over with a feather. Dan is a nice guy but I've never known him to make a committement to any woman. Who would have thought Dan would ever get married.....!!!

Dan likes to cook and, like me, Crystal enjoys good food. Crystal helps keep Dan organized and on task. He is very handy and has done a wonderful job on fixing up the house they have bought and Crystal has decorated it like a model home. These two really balance each other out.

Yesterday I went wedding shopping with Crystal. I went along just for the company. It was quite enjoyable watching Crystal get excited about the wedding. We were after decorations and all the little last minute things. I was even brave and offered my opinion about some items. Usually I bite my tongue and don't offer advise. Whenever you hear me talking funny it's because my tongue is swollen from biting it.

Crystal asked me to light the candle (her mother won't be there and she has sort of adopted me) and I told her no. I hate being in front of people. The one thing I disliked about working for the Chamber was having my picture taken for the newspaper. I felt bad about it and the truth is, if she really wants me to do it, I will. I feel bad that I said no. It was truly very selfish of me as this day will be about Crystal and Dan and definitely not about me.

Jessica and Serenity already have their dresses and I have looked but haven't found anything I really feel comfortable in. I better get busy and find an appropriate outfit for this wonderful day.

Hopefully, Crystal will still be speaking to me. I wish her and Dan all the happiness in the world. They deserve the best in life.

Grandma's Pride

Wow, what a wonderful three days I had with Serenity. I was determined to give her the time and attention that I use to give her before I lost all my energy. We had a great time playing even though grandma had to take a few breaks. On Sunday I gave Serenity her first sewing lesson. She sewed a straighter line than grandma. In no time she was stitching designs in the fabric. She loved doing this. I have no idea what this child will even desire to be when she grows up. Most children you can tell. They seem to be good at a particular thing or have one big passion. She enjoys so many things and seems to have so many abilities. Yes, I am biased, but this observation is clear to everyone who knows her. She is just so passionate about everything she does. She says she wants to be a doggie doctor when she grows up. Anyone who knows Jessica wouldn't be surprised that her daughter loves animals (especially dogs). She also loves music, dancing, singing, making up stories and plays and so many other things. Unfortunately, she doesn't like school (even though it's one of her favorite things to play). She says school is boring and she thinks grandma could teach her everything she learns at school. I explained to her that grandma is not equipped to be a teacher. Even grandma doesn't have the patience that a good teacher must have. I take my hats off to them. If I could teach Serenity anything, it would be how to be less shy. This child, who is willing to perform for anyone who will watch, is quite shy most of the time.

Most of us don't grow up to do or be what we wanted when we were young. I believe we all still carry the desire and passion in our hearts. We probably all know the child who wanted to be a nurse and grew up to be one or, the child who wanted to be a doctor who grew up to be one. We also all know someone like the bookkeeper who wanted to be an artist and still looks at everyday things and sees what they would look like welded together or sees a beautiful scene and sees it as a quilt or what it would look like in a charcoal sketch. We have the friend who wanted to be an artist and is caring, lovingly, for the less fortunate, or the daughter who is a real estate broker who desired to be an artist and can now see the potential in a piece of property. These people will always be artists. Actually, I think we are all artists. The surgeon who is so careful to stitch so that scar is invisible, the landscaper who mows a lawn or trims a bush in a beautiful even pattern and yes, the bookkeeper who in the days before computers could write such tiny and neat numbers and letters people would not believe they were done freehand. What a wonderful world we live in where a higher power has allowed everyone of us to help make a beautiful world.

I have five wonderful grandchildren now. I mostly talk about Serenity because I have spent so much of my life the last six years with her. Rarely do I go a week without her precious company. Yes, I can see her being the rock-star she talks about all the time. All of my grandchildren are very talented. I can see Char being a great horsemen/trainer (horse-person?) and McKenna being an actress and Kieran being a producer/director and Quinn being the poster child for what autism can be. I can't think of his name, but the guy who looks at a city and can later draw the scene in the most minute detail, from memory, that is Quinn. Just the fact that he has progressed so much in the short time I have known him, makes Quinn a work of art. I see the beauty and talent in each of these children and no matter what path they take in life, I will always see the beauty and talent.

DVD sleeve cover, by Quinn Price 8/2009

I never knew how much love my heart could hold,
Until someone called be Grandma.
(author unknown)

Each day we need to remember to look at all people with love. We can see the beauty and the talent in everyone we meet...yes, even those people we are not so fond of. Life is too short for the alternative.

Love and prayers to all.

P.S. The artist guy with the great memory for city scapes is Stephen Wiltshire.

Precious Time

Most days I keep a little list of things I want to get done that day. As long as I get something on my list accomplished I feel good. Friday, Saturday and Sunday I won't have to worry about this. There is no school on Monday and the daycare is closed so Serenity Jade gets stuck with grandma for three days this weekend. Miss Serenity will keep me well entertained. By 10:00AM yesterday we had already had a big day. After she washed the dishes we played restaurant. She made me sandwiches with the sponge and the dish soap. She likes to make up words and she says the "English" word "majewel" means perfect and she made me a perfect sandwich. She thanked me for visiting her restaurant and told me that if I came back again she would make me her delicious salosh or jewelmoon sandwich. I can't wait. Next we played science. She mixed up a new drink for us to try. She informed me that this is how people make inventions. We named the drink Mixed Drink (grandma wasn't giving very good suggestions). This drink was made with water, milk, diet coke and apple juice. Can you believe it was actually drinkable (I said drinkable, not good!). Not only am I her lab assistant, I am also her lab rat. School was next and of course I needed to learn to read. With her help I was able to read her library book "Read-A-Picture Animals".


Today by noon she played scientist again and was working on a drink to help cancer. I just got done watching her puppet show which was a one act, one person play. It was very good and was obviously based on her recent, first time experience, with getting grounded. She was totally heartbroken that she would get grounded and couldn't understand why she had to be grounded when it was the first time she had been so bad. She went down the street to see if another little girl could play and she didn't ask mommy first. Of course mommy would have never let her do that alone. Mommy had no idea where she was and was of course very upset with her. She actually worries more about mommy being mad at her then her punishment. She did call grandma crying and asked me to tell her mommy she was a "bad parent" because she was grounding her and not giving her another chance. She was crying so hard it broke my heart. Of course I had to tell her that mommy was the boss and I would have grounded her too. She use to think that her mommy had to listen to me because I am her mommy. Now she tells me to tell mommy this and that but "mommy doesn't have to listen to you grandma". Oh boy, all the lessons we have to learn at such an early age. The scary thing is, we never stop learning lessons no matter how old we get.

Serenity is trying to get my attention - the next adventure I'm sure.

I'm thanking God for each new day.

Hello Again

Hello! Back again after more than three months. I have been remiss in posting on my blog because I've been very busy. I am doing very well. My blood counts are better than they have been since I was first diagnosed. That was January 2008 and at that time I never expected then that I could last this long. What a learning experience it has been.

A short update on what's been going on.....


In June Jessica, Serenity and I met Tonya in California. We went to Disneyland, Sea World, Muir Woods, and tons of places. I love San Francisco (my first time there) and would live there in a minute if I won a huge lottery. We met Chris in Chico and spent several days there. It was so nice to see him. You do have to wonder what kind of mother goes 18 years without seeing her child. For those of you who know Chris, he has always been a sweet and loving boy. It was wonderful to visit with him. I have missed him so much. Jessica extended her trip and went to Chico with us. I am so happy that she was able to do this and not miss this opportunity. We went from LA to San Francisco along the coast. It was as beautiful as I remembered. We ate at a restaurant in Big Sur that reminded me of California in 1969. I think all the kids enjoyed the trip and the visiting. Serenity Jade of course had a big time. She's becoming quite the traveler.


Jessica flew home from Chico and Serenity, Tonya and I went back to Arizona. Serenity had swimming lessons with Uncle Steve and Aunt Tonya. She thinks she is a pro. She also spent time on the drums as you can see on YouTube. We visited the house that Tonya found in Gilbert for me. She and Steve will be doing a lot of work on it. They are brave souls. In October I'll be going to Arizona to stay. Serenity doesn't understand why Grandma is leaving her. Of course Grandma can't go too long without my sweet girl. She keeps me going.



In July my mom and my aunt Irene came to visit. I had visited with my aunt in March and was glad she was able to accompany my mom. We had a great time visiting. They were suppose to stay 13 days but mom didn't hold up that long. They made it almost 6 days. I won't go into details, but it didn't end very pleasantly. I was resigned not to let it bother me, but the truth is it was weeks before I was truly beyond it. Life happens. I just don't have the time or energy to dwell on the negative. I'll try to remember the good things.

I have been working on organizing all my papers. Getting rid of old stuff I don't need. I still had income tax returns going back to 1986. The paper shredder has been running non-stop. I have almost completed this project. All that is left is going through all the medical stuff and deciding what I need to keep and getting it filed. At least someone can go through my file cabinet now and find the important insurance stuff etc.

The house clean out is going slow. I am going to do the Nebraska Junk Jaunt in September with my friend Judy. She was planning on doing it so I invited myself to go in with her. I don't think I can do it without help and she and her husband have been very helpful to me. I figured why give away everything when I could make some money for my "junk".

I have spent much of the last few weeks helping Jessica do a little re-decorating. We got new curtains and mini blinds. All the curtains have to be hemmed because she lives in a mobile home and all the curtains are too long. So my sewing machine is hemming away. Just hanging curtain rods was quite an ordeal. Serenity is so happy with her new curtains. Her bedroom is beautiful. Needless to say, they are her favorite color...pink. Jessica had bought her a new bedspread and sheets for Christmas (Hannah Montana of course). When the sun shines through her windows, it is unbelievable how bright her room is now. She is very happy. She said her little friend who lives next door doesn't even have curtains in her room.

I have been painting boards to repair the privacy fence at my back patio. I had to replace the back door (a wonderful friend did this for me) and I needed some new locks on the doors. The bathroom door still needs replaced and the whole house needs painted (inside). I have also been doing work in the yard (trimming lilacs etc.). Last summer I almost never made it outside and I think I missed that more than anything else. Been buying fresh produce at the Farmer's Market each Thursday. I'm not good at sticking with doing something non stop. I go from project to project (less boring). I think I have fooled myself into thinking I'm getting more done this way. The problem with this is it takes forever to complete a project. I am staying on it steady but I move very slow compared to how I use to be. I'll keep plugging away and of course I never over do. Rest is also very important.

Okay, the Junk Jaunt is three weeks away. I need to finish the last curtains, trim my hedges one more time, make a trip to the dump and call the guy about replacing the roof . I better stop gabbing and get busy on the sewing machine. I am so happy to be here and to be able to keep doing all the things I need to do. I am also very grateful for good friends and family and appreciate everyone's concern for me. Life is wonderful. I'm still counting my blessings.

Love and Prayers to everyone.

Urology or Bust!

After weeks of extreme pain I went to the urologist today. My tumor is invading my bladder and it needs to be cut down as far as possible to prevent blood clots. I asked if this would reduce the pressure and pain and was told it wouldn't. It seems to me this would give me some relief. I'll cross my fingers.

Patience or Tolerance

The barium experience was much easier this time. After my second CAT scan a nurse gave me a good hint. I was told to drink the barium with a straw. Using a straw sends it to the back of the throat when you swallow. It doesn't sit on your tongue and coat your whole mouth. It really made it much easier. Too bad no one told me prior to the first two tests. It would have saved a lot of puking and stress. It's in my mind, but there is just this thing about putting something slimy in your mouth and white is even worse. I gag just thinking about it. Anyway, I'm just glad that's over.

In the afternoon I went for lab and my doctor's appointment and was informed my appointment was on Friday. I know this (for a change) was not my misunderstanding. I even asked the nurse why I would be coming to see the doctor before my appointment with the urologist. It made sense to me that the doctor would want to see the urologist's report before he saw me. So the nurse went to speak to someone about it and came back and told me it didn't matter which order I saw them in. You would have thought she would have said you are seeing the urologist first if she had told me the doctor appointment was Friday. Anyway, I have screwed up my appointments several times so this time I wrote down exactly what she told me. It isn't a big deal but it seems like I'm the one who always has to say, "maybe I made a mistake" but you never hear them say it might have been their mistake. Do I sound like my fuse is running short? Not really, but this is what happened. I have a huge amount of patience but....
Blessings

Cluttered House/Cluttered Mind

Today I had to go pick up the barium for my Cat scan tomorrow. I prefer the PET scan. The radioactive stuff they shoot into your veins is better then barium. I'm thinking the CIA should replace water boarding with barium intake.

I'm back to sorting and cleaning. Deciding what to throw away, give away or sell. Tonya says to just give it all away and not worry about what I can sell. That would make it easier but I do own a few things that are worth something. Those things I'd rather give to someone who would appreciate them then to dump them at the Goodwill or Salvation Army. Time will tell.

Cleaning up the clutter and mess is the best thing I can do for my peace of mind. Not seeing it is such a relief. Unfortunately, I think it'll take months to get through everything. Maybe I should just order one of those huge construction dumpsters and go to town. It is really a shame the way my life became so cluttered. How did I let this happen?

Boat Cars

Thank God for old "boat" cars. I had to haul off the clippings and leaves today. I ended up with 18 lawn and leaf bags that needed transporting to the dump. My 1993 Buick Roadmaster was, once again, the perfect truck for the trip. Actually it took two trips but I think that says a lot about this roomy vehicle. They just don't make them like this anymore. The poor car looks like something that should take up residence at the dump but I can never complain about how dependable this car has been. I've never owned another vehicle like this one. It's sort of like me, looks like hell but it's still kicking. Maybe it's a Timex, takes a licking and keeps on ticking. Anyway, I could never thank my father enough for leaving me this wonderful gift that has served me so well.
Blessings

Invitation to a Pity Party

Today I made what is becoming my weekly trip to the doctor's office. Under the circumstances I really shouldn't complain but why stop now? I was told to contact my oncology doctor if I have pain or bleeding so when I started bleeding I gave them a call. I really don't know why I bother. If I have pain they just always say they don't know why I have pain. That's why I never called them the last two weeks when I was in pain but when I started bleeding I decided to give in. They sent me to my regular doctor to see if it was a urinary tract infection. No infection. I think Dr. Lindstrom was surprised at the fact they didn't want to see me. I suppose they want to rule out everything else before they deal with it. Dr. Lindstrom suspects cancer in the bladder. Now I need a new CAT scan and I have to go see a urologist. This sounds like more fun than I want to handle. I'm just too busy to deal with this plus, I have eaten enough wheat grass and green juice to kill a cow. I'm sure this is making me feel better.....I should be healed already. Okay, I know it doesn't work like that but I can dream, right? More later......
Blessings

Tough Cookies Crumble Too

I am one of those tough cookies who rarely falls apart. I pride myself at being the last soldier standing. You know the expression "when the going gets tough the tough get going". That was the motto I lived by. I usually didn't even get going, till the going got tough. Now, I have to admit that I just had a few very scary days. My stomach had been bothering me for several weeks and had gotten bad enough that I was contemplating having to call my oncologist. It felt like my stomach was being eaten up from the inside out. I don't know what brought it on but I was just looking for relief. Even though I've read all the stuff on heat and electrical appliances and cancer, I finally broke down and turned to my trusty old heating pad. After two days, I finally got some relief. Today I felt human again. Again, I am thankful for the little things. I felt so good I went outside and started raking the last of the clipping that needed to be picked up. It seemed like I could almost immediately feel my stomach starting up again. I wonder if all the raking is what caused it? I know the vacuum is something they told me not to use while in treatment. I guess that type of activity is more extreme than many other types of activity. This may not have had anything to do with it of course....always looking for answers.

I think maybe the wheatgrass has finally kicked in. I didn't just feel better today but I had an energy that I haven't felt in a long, long time. I wasn't just pushing myself to get up and get going. I actually had the feeling like I couldn't wait to get going. This is something we are wired with and don't even know it until you lose it. It's like a built in time clock that says it's time to get moving or get started and one day it's gone and you can't figure out what happened. You know something is missing and you're constantly trying to talk yourself into movement but your body doesn't want to cooperate. Whether it's energy, get up and go, gumption or shear willpower we take it for granted and don't even realize we had it till it's gone (like so many things in life). Today I got my wheatgrass growing kit in the mail. If the powder did this I can't wait to see what happens when I start on the fresh stuff. Look out me....here I come!

Click here to learn more about wheatgrass. I also happened upon this fun and informative post by DesignMom.com.

Blessings

Picture This....

To go where no man has gone before....okay, it's just little olde me who hasn't gone there before. Not a big deal for those of you who are computer savvy, but for me this was a big step for mankind....okay, a big step for me! I have been saving photos on my computer now for several years. They have just sat there, warm and cozy. Today I finally decided to be adventurous and share some of these photos. I have sent some via email and I have copied some on CDs. Can you believe I'm so excited? It really doesn't take alot to make me happy!
Blessings

Happiness and Health

Okay, I know that no one appreciates a grandmother who goes on and on about the grandchildren but......being a big part of my life it is hard to not write about what I'm doing and not include lots of kiddie info. Tonight was Serenity's exhibit at the museum. Yes, there was artwork from kids from all the schools. There were probably 40 other pieces from her school. The fact that something she did was chosen was a really big deal for her and so it should be. All positive reinforcement is good for every living species and I think it's even more important for children. This starts them off on the right foot in life. Seeing her happy and joyful in life helps grandma's attitude and well being. Her happiness and joy just fill my heart. How can I not be happy and feel blessed?

Picaso-Here She Comes

By now you know that Miss Serenity loves to draw and write. Each year the school displays the children's artwork at the mall in Kearney. Serenity had two pieces displayed. Two other pieces of her artwork were chosen for a display at the local museum. From Tuesday through Sunday the Museum of Natural Art (MONA) in Kearney will have a display of children's work. I guess this is Serenity's first "showing".

I also just received a text from Jessica-Serenity has her first loose tooth. Tooth Fairy on call.
Blessings

Spring Clean-up

In the midst of sorting and cleaning the "stuff" in my house, I decided I better get some "spring cleaning" done in my yard. This was the cause of the last eye issue. Anyway, I've been busy pulling weeds, trimming hedges and bushes and raking. It's a stop and start project as I don't seem to have the energy I use to. I have always enjoyed working in the yard. You wouldn't know that by looking at my yard. This time last year I was starting chemo so the yard was neglected all year. I bet my neighbors are glad that I'm feeling better. I hope to be planting flowers in my flower pots before long. The spring weather is so wonderful. It would be hard to not feel good when the sun is shining and it's so nice outside.

I just heard this somewhere (can't remember where) and really liked this comment:
"At the end of the day, you learn who cares about you and what you care about."
It might have come from Joel Osteen's sunday program. Anyway, it really it hit home.
Blessings

Par-Tay!

Today was Serenity's 6th birthday party. It was her first real "kids" party and she got to have it at the Big Apple. They have a room called Ballocity and it's three tiers of climbing and sliding. I think she had a great time and her 5 little guests did also. Jessica made her a beautiful (professional looking) Scooby Doo cake. Scooby Doo was the theme. Serenity loves mysteries and Scooby. Grandma made her two summer dresses (one Scooby Doo) and a little purse. She got lots of wonderful gifts. Her Aunt Tonya and cousins Cindy and Jenifer all remembered her. Her first deed of the day was to pack away her new seashells for her collection. Thank goodness my kids are all grown. I was tired before we even got to the party location. We all had a great time but I'm glad it only happens once a year.

Only Half Blind

Okay, what's up with this? I had to go to the doctor yesterday for my left eye. Exactly one week after going in for my right eye. I hope I'm not becoming a hypochondriac. The doctor actually found a tiny sliver in my eye and it had scratched the cornea. Now I'm wearing an eye patch. I can't believe how much having one eye covered affects your sight. It's really weird.

Today is Serenity's sixth birthday. I have been working on finishing her outfit for her birthday party on Saturday. I'm finding it a little difficult trying to cut and sew. I need lots of luck with this one.
Blessings

What's Up With This?

Okay, this is wierd. Now my left eye is sore, swollen and oozing. I trimmed hedges yesterday and I am pretty sure this time there really is something in my eye. Using Visine to try to wash it out. I know if I go to the doctor again they'll think I'm just needing attention. For a woman who has almost never had a cold and not for longer than a day and someone who has gone as long as 15 years without having to go to the doctor, it does seem like I'm trying to make up for it now. This really makes me wonder if the chemo hasn't weakened my body so much I can't even fight a little foreign matter under my eyelid. I guess I can't blame everything on chemo but it's such any easy target. Shame on me!
Blessings

Life's Little Inconviences

Last Thursday I had to go to the doctor because I had something wrong with my eye. It was very sore and oozing so, after a week I decided to go to the doctor. It turned out to be a sore under my eyelid. I asked the doctor what caused it and he said "just luck". I would almost think it was a piece of dirt from the day the winds were so high but it was obviously gone and an infection presisted. Okay, just my luck. I have never been able to put eyedrops in my own eyes so Serenity was my nurse for the three days I had to put antibotics in my eye. For someone who never "use" to have any problems or medical worries....oh well, compared to the "C" word this is just a minor inconvience. Still counting my blessings.

Spring At Last?

I think spring is finally here! Serenity and I went for a short walk downtown (in a small town it's never a long walk). We weeded what use to be my flower beds. There have been few flowers for the last few years. Last year they never even got weeded. I have a good excuse but it was really a sad sight. The saddest thing is that flowers really pick me up, so I'm thinking I need to make the effort to do much better this year. Serenity is always excited about planting anything. She touched her first worm and decided that they are still gross even if they won't hurt you. Her mother freaks at the sight of a worm (or any bug) so I was proud of her for making the effort. She did use a stick for transportation and started her own worm colony. It's suppose to be 80 by next weekend. Is it just me or is anyone else wondering what happened to spring and fall. It seems like each year it gets closer from cold to hot and hot to cold. That great prefect temp just doesn't seem to last long enough.

I didn't have Serenity last weekend and I missed her very much. I don't even try to finish a post when she's here but I always seem to have plenty to say after she's been here. Quite often I ask Serenity "who loves Grandma?" She always pipes up with "ME". Today I asked her and she said "you'd think you'd know that by now!" Guess she told me. I better enjoy her while I have the chance. She's growing up way too fast. I couldn't think of my life without Miss Serenity.

The Power of Love

"In this world we cannot always do great things, but we can do small things with great love."
Mother Theresa

Martha or Maxine

From: Are you a Martha or Maxine?

Martha's Way.....
"Stuff a minature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips."

Maxine's Way.....
"Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it, anyway!"

Blessings

Strength

"There are two ways of exerting one's strength, one is pushing down, the other is pulling up"
Booker T. Washington

Success

"Failure is the opportunity to begin again, with more intelligence"
Henry Ford

The Power of Positive Thinking?

Today I had my 8 week check up at the Cancer Center in Grand Island. Most of my lab work indicated my counts were back to normal. My CA125 had raised 13 points from two months ago but that was only 1 point above 4 months ago. A count of 65 is elevated but not extreme. In stage IV cancer I've heard of counts in the 400's.

I appreciate everyone's prayers and kind words. All your positive thoughts can do nothing but help me continue to maintain and get better. Miracles do happen and silly or not, I'm planning on being one (with God's help, of course). There is nothing like the support and love of family and friends to make the journey easier and worthwhile.

There is no way to properly thank the wonderful Doctor's and alternative health care professionals who have helped me (and continue to help me) in this journey. A simple thank you just doesn't seem like enough. Right now it is all I have so, Thank You to Dr. Porman, Dr. Lilli Link, Susan Neva, Mary Martin, Jeff Goodman and yes, even the St. Francis Cancer Center. I would be remiss if I didn't mention the other places that I have received help from. That would be the many DVD's and books I have been able to access in my journey. The words of Dr. Andrew Weil, Dr. Wayne W. Dyer, Louise Hay, Napoleon Hill, Eckhart Tolle and Esther and Jerry Hicks, just to name a few. Life is a wonderful journey when we stay on the path!

When I get through this I promise to "pass it on" so people know it is possible. We constantly hear about the person who made it through a terminal diagnosis but we never know who that person is. It's like a great urban legend. We all heard about it, but no one really knows the person. It was always someone that someone I know knows or read about. I want people to be able to tell the story and say it was me. This may seem selfish but remember, I have to take care of me to be there for you. Blessings to all.

Miss Sun and Miss Cloud

I didn't have Serenity last weekend because her mommy had the weekend off and they shared some quality time together. I missed her visit so when Jessica had to work late today, I volunteered to watch Serenity. I know there is nothing worse than a grandmother who brags endlessly about her grandchildren. I can't help it though. Sometimes she just astounds me and I feel the need to share it. Serenity loves to draw and make up stories and she's pretty inventive. She had started a story with the help of her mom and she asked me to help her finish it. Helping her simply means helping her with the spelling of words. She has her own ideas and doesn't desire any input. The last story she wrote was "About Flowers" and there were many pictures of flowers. Her nonsensically stories are always so sweet. It took me a minute to understand the premise behind this new story but, when I did I couldn't believe how a 5 year old thinks. Of course the story included pictures but here is the little story.....

Miss Sun and Miss Cloud decided to have a contest.
Miss Sun tried to make him take off his coat.
Miss Cloud tried to make him put on his coat
They both won and loss.

When I asked her who "him" was she said "the "person" grandma".
Do you get the story?
Blessings

The Little Things We Hold Dear

A little PS on yesterday's post.....One of my most prized possessions is a box set of The Trilogy. For those who don't know, this is J. R. R. Tolkien's The Lord of the Rings. I received this wonderful gift for my 25th birthday on September 18, 1976. Inside the books I wrote From: Tonya and Chris. Their wonderful Grandmother, "Mimi" (Pauline Dorrell), bought the books for the kids to give to me for my birthday. She was a thoughtful and considerate person who knew how much I enjoyed Tolkien and my paperbacks were pretty ratty. For many years this was probably the most valuable material item I owned. After my post yesterday, my son Chris emailed to remind me not to get rid of Tolkien. Parish the thought! The boxed set has been promised to him. I would never give Tolkien to Goodwill or sell him on the internet. He's much too valuable for that. Breath deep Chris....Tolkien will be yours some day. Yours, with love from your mother.
Blessings

Clearing The Way

Here I am in the middle of my first two projects.....cleaning up my email and going through my books. This "house cleaning" is going to be a much bigger job than I anticipated. For someone who hasn't had time to read for years...I have certainly read a lot. Unfortunately, I don't even remember most of them. That's the big problem with "rush" reading....in and out. I find that I could read each of these books again. Of course the problem is, (since chemo) I would get half way through and then I would remember the book. I have many new books on my list to read so I need to move on. My quest for more knowledge is great. I need to reduce my library as much as I need to reduce my emails. I find books are such a treasure and so hard to part with. I need to live on an estate with a library so I could hold on to these treasures. Since I don't, I'll donate these treasures for the next person to enjoy as much as I did. I better stop writing and get on the ball. Wish me luck.....I think I'm going to need it.
Blessings

Second Chances....

Yesterday was my last official day at the Chamber. I felt a little sadness but it didn't last for long. I have lots of things I am looking forward to doing. I need a good mental house cleaning and my house needs a good house cleaning. After that I am "itching to do some stitching". I am excited to start some quilting. I've had several cut out for a few years but never seemed to find the time or energy to get them done. No more excuses. It's time to get on with it. My list of books to read keeps growing and growing and I am excited to get in some more quality reading time. I have so much more to learn and can't wait. Traveling is of course, always on my mind.........I truly feel like God has given me a new life and a second chance to live it right.
Blessings

Funny Sunny Days

Winter is not quite over but spring is here. One day it is 60 and the next it's snowing. Most days have still been sunny and that is the important thing. The sun always makes things feel warmer and happier. These are "funny" sunny days. I will be thankful for each new day.
Blessings abound!

Happiness

A nice quote sent to me by my niece Jenifer:

"Happiness.....
not in another place, but this place...
not for another hour, but this hour"

How great life would be if we could all hold onto this!

Grandchildren

Serenity spent the weekend with me again. She is such a joy and keeps me plugging away. She goes non stop from the time she wakes until she passes out at night. Constantly playing, dancing, singing, making things with everything she can find laying around, making up stories and drawing pictures. She is such a joy and I thank God everyday for my family.

One of my "newest" grandchildren is Quinn. Quinn is 7 years old and has autism. This precious little boy is so loving and tender. He has an angel face and a loving heart. I think part of what makes Quinn so extra special and lovable is he isn't touched by all the things that shape the rest of us. He won't learn to play the "games" people play or learn the prejudices. He just holds love in his heart.

Please take a moment to watch the video Quinn's mother made to honor this wonderful child.

Blessings

Man Hunt

I got this poem in an email many years ago. I'm not looking for a man but, I still posted it on my refrigerator just to remind me to laugh each day. It is nonsense but I found it quite enjoyable. Hope you equally enjoy it.

WOMAN'S LOVE POEM
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed,
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my best friend.

MAN'S LOVE POEM
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with
huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and hunting.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a sh__.

Author Unknown

Blessings to everyone looking for a man!

Another Brother of a Different Color

My brother Rex is 2 1/2 years younger than me. We were adopted together when he was four. We use to be very close. He now lives in Texas and I haven't seen him in 12 years. Actually, I hadn't even spoken to him for eleven years. Twelve years ago we buried our adopted father and it was a very sad time for both of us. When we were very young Rex thought of me more as a mother than a sister. Our adopted mother had a difficult time with this. She felt (and rightfully so) that he should go to her and not me. I was very protective of him and felt he was my responsibility. The thing our new mother felt was most unsettling was the fact that we talked about our past (pre-adoption days) and she felt that Rex was young enough to forget our past if I would let him. The truth is she was right (once again). I don't know why we had the need to talk about these things or maybe it was me and he was the only one I had a connection with and felt I could talk with. It was probably the later. It always seemed like we were two lost souls and we never knew for sure which way to turn. We trusted no one and we confided in no one but each other. That did change in time but for me it was a very long time coming. I hope my mother understood that I was just a child myself and didn't know any better. I hope my brother knows that I always wanted the best for him.

When we were young, we weren't allowed junk food. Occasionally our mother would let us have a TastyKake lemon pie that she had stashed away for my dad's lunch. Anytime we are back on the east coast we look for one of these pies. During my last visit I purchased four for my brother Rex. My sister in law, Joanne mailed them to him for me. He emailed me that he went home from work the day after he got them and set down and ate all four with a big glass of milk. I hope this brought back some fond memories for him. I love him and my other two brothers very much and I want them to remember how important they are to me. Blessings

Confucius Say...

I enjoy reading quotes that speak to me. This is one of my favorites and I try very hard to listen to it. Sometimes I don't listen as well as others and for those times I apologize.

Speak only well of people and you need never whisper.
Confucius

Blessings

Maxine-isms

After the last few blogs, I feel it's time to lighten up a little. Many of you may know that I enjoy the comedy of Maxine. Sometimes she says the things I can't get away with. She may just be a "crabby old bitch" but I love her "no nonsense" outlook on the way life is.....so here we go....

Maxine says: "My bra is more of a cross your waist"

Raw Vegan Virgo

On Tuesday, March 14th I had the pleasure of meeting Dr. Lilli Link. It was a beautiful day and as a believer in "signs" I took this as a sign of goods things ahead. I was not to be disappointed. Dr. Link is a patient and gracious lady who answered all my unanswered questions about "diet" to help in my campaign against cancer cells. After much internet research, reading many books and talking to every Tom, Dick and Harry, I was concerned about a lot of the discrepancy in diet and supplements. Supplements were a huge concern since some instructions seem to require so many. I felt I needed some personal guidance if for no other reason than to give me the confidence to feel like I had an inkling of an idea about where I was headed. It's a big scary world out there in the natural healing "black hole". When putting your life in your own hands you want to feel like you have done the best job possible. Dr. Link was very self assured and had a very positive attitude. As a professional she didn't put anyone down or discredit any ideas as hog wash. She discussed what she knew to be tried and proven and made the whole process seem so much easier. She instilled the importance of the dedication this plan was going to take and the importance of making a plan and sticking with one plan. While the plan she suggested was strict it also seemed much easier then many I have seen. By easy I mean in terms of planning and time requirements. This is something I know I can do. I love my food but I love my life and body more. Thank goodness I have always preferred my vegetables raw and not cooked and I have always been a big salad lover. I'm hoping this will make my journey alot smoother. Like the little red engine...I think I can. I think I can. I know I can! I know I can!

I found Dr. Link on the Crazy Sexy Cancer/Crazy Sexy Life website. She is a licensed internist who became a nutritionist after having uterine cancer 10 years ago. I felt God had guided me to her to help me. I have always been one of those people who just blindly trusted my doctor. I always asked lots of questions but I never questioned or doubted the answers. I have come a long way since then. I realize we must all be responsible for being pro-active in our own health care. I now know to research anyway possible everything I hear or think. I have no conspiracy theory belief in doctors and health care (until proven otherwise). I believe doctors do their job the best they know how or have been trained to do it. I believe their training may need a shake up. I believe that doctors intend to do the best they can for us. I also believe there are many doctors who are overworked and stretched too thin. I know there are many people who will think I must be a totally naive person. I believe many well meaning doctors, in the interest of honesty, do not give us the positive reinforcement we need even while trying to give us hope. The truth is it is our own responsibility to give ourselves the hope and positive reinforcement we seek and so desperately need. Faith in God makes me believe in the best in man.

I would like to thank Dr. Link for her kindness and care. I hope to be singing her graces for a long time. Shortly I'll be starting my raw green diet. Along with my vitamins, colonics, proper breathing, exercise, spiritual guidance and Dr. Porman's care, I am hoping to do what the traditional doctor's tell me can't be done. God willing, I will be here for a long time to come.
I'll keep you posted on this journey. Blessings to all.

Up, Up and Away

A post script to yesterday's blog: My daughter Jessica just told me that Serenity informed her that she thought we were going to change planes in the sky and she wondered how we were going to jump from one plane to the other in the air. Out of the mouths of babes. It never occurred to me to explain the plane change to her. I can totally understand how she would think this. Now I understand why she insisted on the prayer on the plane that we would get to New Jersey safely. It maybe also explains her comment about flying two planes in one day as "unbelievable". I think this speaks volumes regarding Serenity's trust in Grandma. I pray I'll never let her down. I said she was a trooper and I think this proves it. Jessica asked Serenity if she could imagine Grandma jumping from the plane and she said NO!

I better rethink the sky diving!

Blessings

You Can Never Go Home Again

Wow, what a trip. More excitement then an old lady should handle. It'll take a little time to calm down after this trip. My family is originally from Maryland but my brother Ken lives in Pennsylvania and my brother John and his family live in New Jersey as does my mom and two aunts. My mom, two brothers and my beautiful nieces pooled funds to pay for this trip. Serenity and I are very grateful to them for this wonderful opportunity. I think this is a time Serenity will never forget. Her second cousins played with her endlessly. She met so many family members she couldn't possibly remember them all. Thank goodness for the wonderful pictures my niece Jenifer took. She is a professional photographer. Jenifer compiled a pictorial history of our visit. Serenity will have this to relive the great time she had (and so will I).

We arrived in New Jersey a little after midnight on Sunday the 15th. As we came off the plane I could see my mother first, my brother John was about 8 feet to her left. I truly don't think either one of them recognized me. It was so good to see them. In a strange way I felt like I was going home even though I have never lived in New Jersey and did not grow up with either one of them. Serenity was just excited because she rode on two planes in one day. She said that was "unbelievable". Serenity took to Uncle John right away (he's actually her great uncle). It's funny how kids know who they can trust.

By Sunday Serenity was warming up to great grandma. My nieces, Cindy and Jenifer came over and spent the better part of the afternoon and early evening "playing" with Serenity. They had a great time together. She warmed up to them in a matter of seconds. She really does better with adults than children. I think this is because she has spent most of her time with adults. My mother and I were able to visit one on one most of the day.

Monday afternoon we had the pleasure of meeting two of my aunts who I hadn't seen in 51 years. Aunt Irene was 21 and Aunt Betty was 18 when I was adopted. I actually saw my Aunt Irene about 12 years ago for about 30 seconds. She worked in a toll booth on the New Jersey Turnpike. My mother was the first of 9 children. I remember her sisters as a child but I couldn't tell you who was who or what their names were. It seemed like there were always so many people living in my Grandfather's house I did't even remember that my mother had only two brothers. I just knew there was a hugh family. My grandparents still had young kids at home. My Aunt Dot was the youngest and she was one month short of her 5th birthday when I was born. About the time my Grandmother stopped having babies, her children started having them.
On Tuesday my brother John took me to Manhattan, New York for my appoinment with Dr. Lilli Link. Serenity and my mother went along. Dr. Link said it was the largest group she'd had at an appointment. She took it very well. I appreciate her graciousness. As usual, Serenity was a little lady. More about this appointment later. New York never changes. No parking or lots of illegal parking that people use and you have to decide if you can take the chance or if you're willing to pay the ticket. We did get soft pretzels on a corner (on my agenda) and enjoyed them in the car to avoid an expensive ticket. We planned to eat lunch in the city but we put it to a vote and Serenity and Great Grandma didn't want to park illegally. Also on my agenda was taking Serenity to the Statue of Liberty. We did get a quick glance of it but Serenity was sleeping in the back seat. The statue still puts a lump in my throat. The tunnels hadn't changed a bit. I would love to visit the museum at Ellis Island some day. That'll be on the agenda for another visit. We ended going to Red Bank in New Jersey and eating at The Brothers. Awesome pasta was consumed by Serenity and Grandma. Thank goodness we decided to share....One plate was enough for four people. Cindy came over that evening and played endlessly with Serenity.

Wednesday brought Aunt Irene and Aunt Betty back for another pleasurable visit. More kitchen table chitter chatter. It was so much fun getting to know these ladies. I didn't want our visits to stop. I had so many questions I would love to ask but was very careful what I said so as not to get my mother into a "mood". We looked at my mother's collection of photos and I was told who everyone was and many stories. Cindy and Jenifer took Serenity to Patriot's Park to play like three little girls on holiday. Jenifer took lots of photos and they said Serenity took about 500 pictures. She loves clicking a camera. John and Joann met the girls at the park and came back to mom's. Joann and the girls fixed dinner for us, flavorful roasted chicken and fixings. By the time I got home I had gained 7 pounds. Wouldn't want to do that every week.

Thursday brought more extended chitter chatter with "The Aunts". I enjoy them so. My mother is so lucky to have these ladies to spend her time with. Too bad she probably doesn't properly appreciate them. I say that not to be negative but I know how she is. I gave her the "life's too short" lecture but she could care less. She needs to learn some forgiveness and let go. They have obviously learned to forgive her. That evening my brother Ken and his girlfriend Joyce came from Pennsylvania to visit. This called for seconds on the chicken dinner which was as good the second time around. I was very excited to see Ken but knew there wouldn't be much one on one as Ken is my mother's son and is not very demonstrative. I still enjoyed the time we were able to spend together. Joyce is a wonderful person and I am so glad Ken has someone to share his life with. I wish my mother could be happy that both my brothers have someone to share their lives with and someone who cares about them. If she had someone maybe she would be a happier person. Cindy showed up loaded with lots of fun with Ms. Serenity. They did crafts for four hours. This exceeds Grandma patience. John and Joanne showed up to join in all the excitement and Jenifer brought her Aunt Patty for a visit. Patty came armed with organic wine that everyone decided wasn't what it was cracked up to be. Patty has spent most of her adult life fighting cancer. She is now on her third campaign. I needed more time to talk with this brave lady. I'm shell shocked from two rounds with one cancer. I can't imagine three rounds of mutiple cancers and still coming up kicking. What a soldier she is.

Friday We woke to a heavy wet snow. By the time we left the house at 11:00 there wasn't one flake left. Ken took us all out to breakfast. We had a wonderful old fashioned breakfast at a quaint little restaurant. I was shocked at the prices. You couldn't eat breakfast here for those prices. We did some organic shopping, went to the health food store where I saw my first "live" wheat grass and stopped by a thrift shop. I wish we had that kind of thrift store here. I could have better furniture because it was much better than Goodwill. Ken pushed Serenity around in the shopping cart. She didn't talk much and of course he didn't either. She still seemed to like Great Uncle Ken. Joyce says Serenity is 5 going on 30. I do believe her mind works more like an adults than a lot of adults I know. Great Grandma could learn a few things from this child. After all the shopping we headed to Bricktown to Aunt Irene's house. We picked Aunt Betty up on the way. At Aunt Irene's I got to meet my Uncle Jr. His name is George but everyone calls him Jr. I think Uncle Jr. was disappointed that I didn't remember him. Their daughter Katie and granddaughter Breanna also came to visit. Two more delightful people whom I enjoyed visiting with. I got a chance to see their family photos. Lots of people hate it when people pull out the photo albums but I have always enjoyed looking at photos. Uncle Jr. took a large number of the White clan and Ken, Joyce, Aunt Betty, my mom, Serenity and I to Charlie Brown's Steak House in Lakewood for dinner. It was an excellent meal with wonderful company and conversation. The filet mignon matched any steak that Nebraska is famous for. Breanna is 12 and we discovered she and Serenity both enjoy dancing. They were each generous with their food. Breanna sharing her pasta with Serenity and Serenity sharing her cheese sticks with Breanna. They are both beautiful young ladies After dinner Serenity was getting up from the table and I asked her where she was going. She informed Grandma that she was going to dance for us. I had to be the bad guy and explain that we were in a public restaurant with lots of other people (it was packed) and she wouldn't be able to dance for us even though I knew everyone would enjoy it. She agreed to dance for us later. It was an enjoyable day and I even forced a goodbye hug from my brother Ken before he headed back home. He acted like it hurt but I know he loves me because he sent me some Protocel for my cancer campaign (I hate to call it a battle so I think "campaign" will suffice).

On Saturday Cindy took me to her house to print our boarding passes. We used this time to break away from Virginia (my mom) for awhile and my brother John's family and Cindy's husband Jerry took us out for lunch. My mother had invited everyone to her house for goodbyes. Cindy, Jenifer and their brother John Paul took Serenity roller skating and the rest of us went back to my mother's. The Aunt's were there and Aunt Irene's daughter Sara and her son AJ were expected. We spent the afternoon talking about nicknames and in general having a good time sharing stories and laughing. If laughter is good then I shouldn't have any cancer cells left. They should all be laughed away. I also used this time to campaign for the CA125 test. I feel obligated to tell everyone how important this cancer cell indicator test is. If this is the reason God has allowed me to still be here I don't want to miss an opportunity to do "my job". While cancer doesn't run in my family, many of the in-laws have had issues with it. The word needs to get out there. My Aunt Irene said she is going to ask her doctor if she should have the test. This is the best early indicator for many types of cancer and we know how important early detection is. Pass along the word. Okay, I'll get off the soap box now. John ordered pizza for everyone for our evening constitution and Serenity decided she didn't like New Jersey pizza. After everyone else left, my mother, Cindy, Jenifer and I had cheesecake and tea (I also tried my first shot of wheat grass). This was a nice quiet wrap up for the week. I must say now that my mother is the only one who didn't show up to say goodbye. She was there in body but after everyone left she once again entered her world of secret agony (self inflected). She choose to go to her room and not come out. It was probably better this way because I wouldn't have been good face to face indulging her self pity. I find it much easier to deal with her over the phone. I love my mother very much. One of my strongest memories was her hugging me the day I was sent away. I can still smell her hair and the feel of it on my cheek. I prefer to remember things like this and forget how she is now. I think she did the best she could and the best she knew how. I believe her own personal demons and guilt have turned her into the person she is today. Seeing her like this is my example not to follow in her footsteps. Tonya says it's a good thing my mother doesn't have a computer...I think she's right!

The perfect wrap up to the longest blog I have written (to date) would be to thank my mother for giving me up for adoption. No matter what the future was to bring, I truly believe that my life would have been a nightmare if I had been raised (and I use the term loosely) by my mother. My only consolation would have been my brothers and maybe life would have been different for them if I had been there for them. I know I would have been a different person than I am today and I can say I like myself today.

Thank you God!

Blessings to all